Page 22 of To Save Him

I wiped away the tear that trickled down my cheek.  “I didn’t want him to join the service, but he convinced me.  ‘Mom,’ he said, ‘it’s not like we’re in the middle of war or are looking to fight with anybody.’  And he told me it would pay for college.  His logic was sound.”  I stared at Brandon’s hand, unwilling—unable—to make eye contact.  I just couldn’t.  If I saw the sincerity in his cocoa-colored eyes, I’d likely lose all control.

What would the waitress think of me then?

I forced myself to continue.  “I couldn’t argue with him and, even if I had, his mind was made up.  He was going.”

Brandon’s voice was soft, so why did it feel like a knife in the heart, especially when his words were kind?  “There was nothing you could have done.  Trust me.  The way Gabe talked early on, I think he thought he’d found his people.  I’m pretty sure if we hadn’t been picked for the experiment, he would have been a career guy.”

Okay, one thing—no,two—that caught my attention.  First, that Gabe had been thinking of staying in the Marines.  He’d never mentioned that to me.  Of course, he wouldn’t, though.  He likely hadn’t forgotten how opposed I was to the idea in the first place.  But the second.  “Experiment?”

“Yeah, well…theprogram.”

And, just in time, here came our young, lovely waitress bearing dishes of aromatic green curry.  In spite of my anguish, my mouth salivated at the scent of coconut and exotic spices.  She spent just enough time flirting with Brandon and ignoring me that the moment had passed and I tucked that ugly word in the back of my mind.  Chances were that as much as I wanted to sublimate my feelings for Brandon, I even more wanted to bury the circumstances of my son’s death, for his passing would always feel raw and unexpected to me—unnecessary and vile—and I was not equipped to deal with my emotions.

I doubted I ever would be.

 

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