Page 100 of To Save Him

“Then I guess you don’t need to worry about it.”

Brandon shook his head and closed his eyes.  “Kimberly, I’m telling you he wouldn’t have volunteered for the program if it wasn’t for me.”

I swallowed and let his words sink in.  While I had to trust that what he was saying was correct, I also knew my son.  He’d been part of my life—part ofme—for a long time and even though you can never fully know a person, I knew my son as well as I could know another soul.  “Look, Brandon,” I said, touching his hand with mine, “I know this is eating at you, but I’m telling you—it doesn’t matter how much influence you had over Gabriel.  He was independent and headstrong and, once he made up his mind about doing something, he was all in.  And he wasn’t a cautious kid, but he weighed the facts.  He didn’t just go into things willy-nilly.  So you might think you led him there—and maybe you did—but I promise you he made his own decision.”  Brandon’s frown deepened but he didn’t say anything.  I slid my hand underneath his so I could wrap my fingers around his and gently squeeze, hoping to give him comfort from across the table.  “Brandon, part of our journey together has been you trying to tell me to let it go—and you’ve been right.  I’ve been dragging a ridiculous amount of baggage with me everywhere.  Yes, it’s never going to be completely gone, but there’s some shit you just have to let go…because it destroys the quality of your life.  And you—you’vetaught me that.”  As the words tumbled out of my mouth, the revelation washed over my brain.  It was true, everything I was saying to Brandon, even though part of my words had merely been an attempt to make him feel better without thought as to how.  But every word I said was gospel and, in spite of my unease, Brandon was currently torturing himself and needed to know what he’d done for me.  “It feels sometimes to me like letting go is giving up or giving in.”  A tear formed in my eye, blurring my vision, but I pressed on.  “Or like I don’t care anymore—and that’s not true.  It’s not that at all.  Instead, it’s a choice, and you helped me see that.  I can choose to not hold onto things that do nothing to enrich my life.”

I blinked and two tears dropped to the table, but I pressed on.  “Like last week…in that weird club.  I was worrying about what other people might think—especially if they recognized me, but even if they didn’t.  What were they thinking?  What would they say?  How did they feel about me?  Instead of focusing onme, I at first worried about everyone else.  But you kept telling me to justlet go.  And you were right.  Once I stopped giving a shit about everyone else, then I felt better.  I took care of me.”  I sucked in a deep breath and let it out before wiping my cheek with the back of my free hand.  “So maybe you should take your own advice, Brandon.  Maybeyouneed to let go too.  Maybe that will help you heal.”

He squeezed my hand back, his eyes focused on my wrist as he ground his teeth.  He was pondering my words, taking them in, feeling them deeply, but he was struggling with the words he needed to say.  After agonizing long enough that our coffee grew cool, he finally looked in my eyes and said, “It seems easy, doesn’t it?  And telling someone to let go is.  I know.  And so it seems pretty stupid that I can’t do it myself, but…”  He swallowed then and looked down at our intertwined hands before continuing.  “Maybe when you’re the reason someone died, you shouldn’t be allowed to let go.  Maybe that’s the kind of shit you need to carry with you to the grave.”

His words sunk in and I wasn’t sure how I felt…wasn’t even sure how I wassupposedto feel.  This moment pretty much summed up my entire experience of feelings for Brandon—should I love him and nurture him, help guide him about of the abyss and into the light, support and strengthen him?  Or should I instead hate and loathe him, blame him, reject him and toss him out of my life?

I stood at this crossroads in my mind, considering fully each path, and still vacillated there as we left the parking lot in search of his troubled past.

 

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