Page 35 of Insta-Love

FIFTEEN

Ava

The fur smooths beneath my hand, springing free when I repeatedly run my hand over Lily’s favourite teddy. Well, what was once her favourite teddy.

She’s growing up. My baby isn’t so much a baby anymore, but a strong-willed kid who makes me proud every damn day. Even when we have an argument over something as petty as how much of her dinner she’s eaten.

Would it be bad of me to want something more again?

Because that’s all I could think with Bowen pressed against me: I do this, I neglect her. I made peace with giving up my hopes and dreams in exchange for her needs and wants a long time ago.

But I guess, at some stage, she becomes old enough to understand that the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I just don’t know if that’s now. Who the hell am I kidding? My biggest fear is being in a situation where I have to explain to her why I allowed a man in our life, knowing that he would leave again.

If I thought there was a chance at something real and long term with Bowen, then maybe I could explain that intrusion to Lily. But when we inevitably fizzle out, when he’s had his fun, what then? Does Lily look at me and see a mother who was weak enough to let men use her over and over?

Far out, it felt good to smile, though. I haven’t had a man stir those kind of girly nerves in me for way too long. I was sixteen all over again, hoping the popular guy would see me as more than just “Ava with the super-green eyes”. Because that’s all I was before Glen, and look where that got me.

I jumped at the first guy who made me feel pretty. Who made me feel wanted. I let desperation cloud my judgment, and like hell I’ll do that a second time.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

I glance up to find Mum with her shoulder against the doorframe. “How long have you been there?”

“Long enough to know something troubles you.”

I set the teddy aside on Lily’s bed, and clasp my hands in my lap to keep from fidgeting. “Just reflecting.”

I breezed through the door and past my parents, head in so much of a fog after leaving Bowen that all I managed on my way in here was a grunt.

“About?” Mum steps into the room, careful not to sit too close beside me.

I lean both elbows on my knees and bury my head in my hands. “Everything.”

She sighs, her hand gentle on my back. “Quiet without Lily, isn’t it?”

I have a handful of nights without her, but never one this complicated. “Yeah. It is.”

Her touch disappears, replaced instead by the awkward silence as she no doubt waits on me to elaborate. I steal a glance at her from behind my hands. The grin says it all.

“Go on,” I groan. “Say it.”

“I heard you two pull up. You were gone a while.”

“We talked,” I say flatly.

“And now here you are, in a right mess. What did you talk about? He is a nice looking man, isn’t he?”

“Ugh.” I stand and tear my sleepwear from under my pillow. “I’m having a shower. Good night.”

“I’m just saying that I don’t mind watching Lily if you want to go out,” she calls after me.

“Stop meddling, Mum!”

***

The woman can’t help herself.

My gut sets like concrete at the sound of my goddamn mother. “Come wait inside. She won’t be long.”

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