Page 155 of Down Beat

FIFTY-FIVE

Rey

“Through it All” – From Ashes to New

My breath shudders from my nose as I sit on the floor of the spare room, hands massaging my thighs in a vain attempt to expel the anger that rages through me.

I have fucking changed. And I do live for myself.

Except, unlike Tabitha, I can see that I’ll never fully live if my life isn’t connected to hers.

“Hey. Mom’s serving lunch.”

“Be out in a minute.”

My sister withdraws from the room with a nod, more used to my bullshit mood swings than any sibling should have to be.

She won’t ruin this. I won’t let Tabby ruin not only my day, but my fucking future. I didn’t lie to her; I still have suicidal thoughts. The counselor at the rehab clinic told me that it’s likely that I will never fully shake them. But unlike a few months ago, I can separate them from the moment and recognize them for what they are: my mind sabotaging my life.

What has changed is that now I have the drive to fight back. Time was, I’d hit the low and float there, out of energy, and out of fucks to give. Now, I reach the bottom of my cycle and the shock as I hit the ground has me bouncing back.

I get angry. I get angry, and then I get even with my mind.

It will not win, and like fuck I’ll let it take away the thing I deserve the most: Tabby.

“You okay?”

I look to my sis, Cassie, as I head out to join the family. “I don’t understand your gender. Not one fucking bit.”

She laughs, nudging me toward the dining room. “Rey, none of us understand you either. I don’t think it’s a gender thing.”

Great. “You split up with Jack for a while, hey?”

She nods, pausing at the doorway. “Why?”

“What did he do to get you back?”

Her eyes narrow, the brightest shade of blue I’ve ever seen on a girl. “Why? Who are you trying to win over?” She’s the best part of all of us, the little fucking ray of sunshine in our family.

Which is why she barely knows the half of how serious my issues are. It went without saying between Toby and me that we’d protect her from it. But she’s a grown woman now, old enough to hold her own.

“Can I talk to you after lunch?”

“Of course.” She jerks her head to indicate we should join the noisy table. “Come on. You need to put some fat back on those bones, big brother. You’re skinnier than I am.”

Liquid diet will do that to a person. If only she’d seen me before I went to rehab. Eish.

“Take a seat, baby.” Mom pats my place setting. “Toby’s ready to jump the table to get to the ribs, I think.”

“You know it.” He catches my eye as I take my seat, a silent question passing between us. “What did she say?”

I shake my head, and then turn to where Dad enthusiastically dishes out steak. “Thanks for cooking all of this.”

He gives me one of his signature grunts before answering. “It’s nice to see your mother happy with everyone at the table again.”

“It’s been years,” she laments from the other end. “You boys need to come home more often. And bring the other two next time. I know Emery goes to see his folks, but I worry about that Kris boy.”

Don’t we all? Next week the madness starts again when we hide ourselves away for a month to work on new content. We’ve had our time off, a little longer than usual thanks to my stint at rehab, but we’re supposed to be unwinding until we meet up again on Tuesday. Thing is, nobody’s heard from Kris in close to five weeks.

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