Page 130 of Down Beat

FORTY-FIVE

Rey

“Always” - Saliva

Wherever she went, it wasn’t far. I look at the red imprints in my palms from where I’ve clenched my fists so tight that my stubby nails bit into the flesh. It was all I could do to stop from tearing everything apart.

She’ll walk in here to tell me she wants to leave; I fucking know it. And I don’t blame her one fucking iota.

I’m a selfish cunt—always have been. I love the shit out of her, but for what she does for me. One goddamn conversation about how this all affects her and I throw my toys out of the sandpit and bully her for daring to want anything other than what I do.

Goddamn asshole. No wonder I always end up alone, huh?

Toby, Emery… they’ve had relationships with women throughout our years as a band. They might have been brief, but there are two motherfuckers who know how to treat a girl.

This asshole? Not so much.

“Can we talk about this now?” Tabby whispers the question from a safe distance, arms folded as she stands in the doorway.

“When will you go?”

“Do you want me to?”

How the fuck could I let it get to this? “No.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d done this before?”

Fucking Kris. She went and spoke to that moody fucker. No doubt this is payback for me butting my nose into his business when it wasn’t welcome.

“Because it didn’t seem important.”

“I thought you asked me to come along because we connected, Rey. I felt like I meant something to you.” I don’t need to look at her to know tears stain her cheeks. “What a fucking fool, right?”

“I don’t think you’re a fool.”

“Have the decency to look at me, for fuck’s sake!”

Her frustration rebounds off the walls; I’ve never heard her that forceful. Her face is a storm, chest heaving with her quickened breaths as I drag my gaze to hers.

“What am I to you, Rey?”

God, I want to touch her so bad. “Everything.”

“Wrong,” she barks. “What am I to you?” She repeats the question a little calmer, but also a hell of a lot less patient.

“Relief.”

“Warmer.”

“Why don’t you tell me then, if you have all the fucking answers.”

“Medication,” she hisses. “I’m the drug you refuse to take. I’m your damn sedative.”

Fuck off. “Whatever.” I screw my face up, pissed that she’s no different to anyone else.

Can’t stand to be around me because of my disorder. Can’t love me because of my disorder. Can’t even see me because of my disorder.

Everything comes back to the one thing I can’t fucking change.

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