Page 35 of Tough Love

“Back soon,” Dad calls out as they disappear through the front door, shutting it behind them.

A smile creeps on my lips as I realise that little old me, Miss Not-ready-for-kids, wishes she could go too. Something as carefree as jumping in puddles, playing at the park, and picking out a treat at the shop sounds like bliss. All those simple things that are the reason to head outside as a child, but are so easily forgotten in our daily hustle as an adult.

“Like something to eat?” Mum asks as she heads through to the kitchen.

“An apple would be great, thanks.” I swing right and take a seat at the dining table, waking up the laptop.

Mum joins me, setting my apple down on the table beside two bottles of water and a pot of yoghurt for her.

“Where do we begin?”

She gestures to the Word document already open on the screen. “I started making a list of people to phone last night. I figure anyone who isn’t immediate family or friends we know of can be advised with the listing in the papers.” Her hair flutters as she exhales a sharp breath. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

Me neither. Although looking at Mum, I get the sense I’m living the depth of her grief vicariously through her. Life without Kath won’t be unusual for me—not when she wasn’t in it anymore to begin with. I’m used to not talking to her, not seeing her. I already know what it feels like to lose Kath, only in my case, it was by choice.

I scroll down the names before me, recognising most as aunts, uncles, and cousins I haven’t heard from in years. A couple of names are familiar from high school, but a few are completely new as well.

“Who are these people?” I point to a section highlighted in blue.

“Her colleagues.” Mum peels the lid off her yoghurt and dips the spoon in. “Did you ever meet them?”

“Mum,” I say with a sigh. “Kath and I haven’t seen each other since you moved to Australia.”

“Right.”

The elephant in the room paces around us, sucking all the air.

“Why did nobody tell me about Briar?” I ask gently.

She stares at the creamy mix as she slowly stirs it, around, and around, and around….

“Mum.”

“We didn’t think you’d want to know.”

“That my sister had a baby?” I ask incredulously. “Of course I would have cared. It’s nothisfault we weren’t talking.”

“No.” Mum sighs. “We thought you wouldn’t want to know because ofwhosehe is.”

My blood chills, goosebumps breaking out on my arms.I was right.My gut knew all along. I just refused to believe that Kath’s betrayal could get that …vicious.

“He’s … you’re telling me his dad is….” I stall, unable to voicehisname. “Why would she do that?” I whisper, my face screwed up with disgust, confusion, hurt … all of the above.

“She found out she was pregnant the week you left.”

I’m looking at the wall opposite me, but I’m anywhere but inthathouse. The already low esteem I held my sister in just bottomed out. Tanked. Vanished with my last belief that somewhere deep down the bullshit we went through as teenagers was nothing more than a misunderstanding.

Even death can’t excuse her from this.

“She knew what he did, though,” I say in a disturbingly level voice, startling even myself.

Mum stares at me wide-eyed, pain evident in the slope of her eyebrows. “Darling.”

“No.” The chair scrapes as I push myself out from the table.

To go where? I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll go upstairs and vomit out all the betrayal and pain. Or maybe I’ll dash out the front door and run for the highway, seeking the largest vehicle to step in front of.

Either option sounds appealing right now.

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