Page 53 of Perfect

We all ate our body weight in burnt burgers and sausage and I helped Rachel to wash the dishes. We spoke about the usual stuff, although she did bring up ‘boys’ at one point, a topic I steered her away from, taking into account I’d had her son’s tongue in my mouth earlier that day.

Rachel and Dad had decided on an early night which should have freaked me out but didn’t. I imagine they had a fairly healthy sex life. They still had that newlywed vibe and were still very touchy-feely in front of me. To be honest, I had too much on my mind to worry about that, as long as I didn’t hear any sex noises, I could cope.

I slipped my sandals back on and walked down the side of the house to the front to sit on the bench by the door; the place where I’d had my first conversation with Ella Wade. Another jigsaw piece in what was fast becoming a slightly clearer puzzle. I still had to learn about her story and whether or not it was intertwined with Connor. I now had my doubts. Her shit was definitely directed another way. At least I hoped so.

I checked my phone and saw that it was almost ten, Connor would have been gone who knew where, for the pasttwohours. I realised I didn’t even have his number and so couldn’t message him to check if he was OK. I’d deleted his text the night of the party. Not like he’d appreciate me texting him if I did.

I text my mother to say that I loved her as one thing was clear to me now, the breakup between my parents had been so much more straightforward compared to Connor’s parents. I kicked myself for my past judgements.

There was a reason Connor was the person he was; moody, unpredictable, difficult with everyone and not just me. I should have felt relieved but I didn’t. The thought of him hurting somewhere was causing me actual discomfort.

I closed my eyes and recalled what I had learned so far.

Rachel was estranged from her husband as was her son, and either their divorce or living conditions whilst they were together had been corrosive, enough to mould Connor into a person who had anger issues. From Connor’s reaction to his father finding Rachel, it had sounded like the guy was one nasty dude. The discussion also suggested that he was possibly abusive when they were married or as a result of her leaving him? Either way it was pretty toxic shit.

I continued to think about the possibilities. Maybe due to what had happened between his parents, Connor had been put on medication but had stopped taking them against his mother’s wishes, hence the mood swings.

There was still so much more I needed to know. Suddenly, a night out in town was more appealing. It would also give me the chance to grill his friends to see what they knew.

Nine

It felt like I’d been laid in bed for hours, staring up at the Artext ceiling with abstract thoughts about how dated it looked and the possibility of the presence of asbestos. Strange how those weird obscure thoughts pop in there when you are trying not to think about the obvious. I was having a lot of those lately. I’d replayed the conversation Connor had with his mother so many times, that I could probably have written a play about it. What if I was wrong and it was more straightforward? I blamed the amount of drama I used to watch on TV.

Releasing a weary sigh, I pulled the covers up and continued to stare into the silence.

My feelings towards Connor seemed to be growing all the time, which was annoying, considering my initial intention to keep my distance.

The fact that I wanted to be in his company twenty-four-seven was now impossible to escape from, a bit like a non-swimmer in the middle of the sea.

My thoughts flickered back to my mother and I fleetingly wondered how things were going with Phil. He was probably the right guy for her, nice, quiet and uptight. Definitely a keeper and not the type to stray. I think if my mum lost another man to another woman, it would probably finish her off.

I felt a rush of irritation that I couldn’t sleep and blamed my stepbrother entirely. He’d still not come home and it worried the hell out of me. What if he’d driven into a ditch or something?

The house was quiet which suggested dad and Rachel had gone to bed. I mean, who did that, who allowed a not even twenty-two-year-old to storm off after an argument and then go to bed before he was safely home?

I rolled my eyes, maybe this wasn’t so unusual for him? Maybe he did it all the time. How the hell would I know, I had only known him a few weeks and yet for some reason, he’d still managed to work his voodoo shit on me? I couldn’tstopthinking about him and now as I looked back, I acknowledged that he’d probably played on my mind ever since the anniversary party. Maybe it was due to him being so indifferent to me, as indifference was something I rarely experienced. Isn’t there a saying that we all want what we can’t have? The unattainable?

My mind skittered back to those last few weeks at school and how pathetic and immature the other boys were next to Connor.

Feeling fried, I screwed my eyes shut, willing myself to sleep for several minutes before I started to drift off.

An engine cut into my slumber as Connor’s car pulled up to the house. The sound of gravel crunching against the tyres.

My bedroom was in darkness and I twisted to the bedside table to check my iPhone, scrunching my eyes against the offending light. It was well past midnight. Where thehellhad he been?

The relief that spiralled in me was soon replaced with the feeling that something was wrong. He slammed the car door forcefully and I felt even more worried.

Sliding out from under the bedcovers, I readjusted my shorty pyjamas which had become twisted and padded barefoot over to the window to peel back the curtain.

Connor was closing the boot of the Ranger and I observed him through drowsy eyes as he strode off towards the hay barn, a swirling riptide of curiosity within me.

This would be the fourth occasion I had caught him going in there at night, although this was certainly the latest time that I had witnessed it. What on God’s earth was he doing in there? Working? Smoking weed?Meeting someone? I struck the last thought off my list as it made me want to bleach my brain.

As he disappeared from sight, without thinking twice about what I was doing, I shot over to grab my robe, securing it tightly around my shivering body. The temperature in the house was so much cooler at night and no matter how much I’d tinkered with the radiator thermostat, itneverhelped. It was either boiling hot or too cold, there was no in-between.

My thoughts shifted back to Connor. It was grating on me, Ihadto find out what the hell he did in there.

Listening for a sign that my dad and Rachel were still up, I pulled on my UGGs, weighing up my options. The house was still deathly quiet, signalling that the adults were probably fast asleep in bed, which fuelled my bravery. I had never been very successful in my two attempts to sneak out of the house back home but then again, mum usually stayed up late at night and didn’t always pass out on the sofa. It was now or never.

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