Page 34 of A Merry Mountain Christmas

“Take pictures. Call me. I want to know everything.”

“Will do, Little Bit,” I say, using her childhood nickname.

“Thanks, Rowan. Thanks for calling. For being there.”

“Of course,” I say. “Jay’s still family.”

In some ways, he is. In some ways, he’s not. Hehasbeen asking me to hang out a lot more lately, maybe because of the trouble she mentioned with Kerry, and now I feel like a real dick for not following up. It’s just…he did ask us, and especially me, to spend time with him after he divorced our mother, but the invitations eventually dried to a trickle. It was natural they would, but it also hurt, especially after my own father took off without a backward glance.

Jay did deserve better than our mother, and I never resented him for seeking it out. I just wished all us kids could have gone with him.

“You had to say he was your father to get in to see him, right?” Ivy asks.

“Yeah, I did,” I say through a throat that suddenly feels swollen. I swallow back the “what of it,” and tell her to get her ass up here.

I hang up, pocket my phone, and follow the nurse through the winding halls to Jay’s room. She tries to make small talk, and I answer in grunts. We walk into the room together.

I’m not a paramedic, but I know enough of them to have known what to expect, pretty much. Still, it sucks to see someone you know and care about hooked up to a bunch of machines to keep his clock ticking.

“Rowan,” Jay says, his voice husky, as I pull up a chair to his bedside. The nurse checks his vitals, then leaves. “Did you get through to Kerry?”

“’Fraid not, but I just got off the phone with Ivy. She’s coming. Bit of an extreme measure to get your daughter home for Christmas.”

He laughs a little, then winces, and I feel like an asshole for making a joke. A shitty one at that. If it’s going to hurt when he laughs, he needs to make it count. “That’s good,” he manages at least. “Really good.” He stares into my eyes for a long beat, then says, “Rowan, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. That’s why—” His mouth purses. He glances at the water on the side table next to the bed, and I bring it over to him so he can reach the straw.

After taking a long drink, he says, “Your mother told me something after the plans for the matchmaking show were finalized. There’s something she wanted to reveal on air.” He forces a smile. “You know she has a flair for the dramatic. I convinced her not to, thank God.” He squirms a little on the bed. “But you know your mother. I don’t totally believe she wouldn’t try something, even now, so I wanted you to hear it from me first.”

“And?” I ask, my tone tight. I shouldn’t talk to him with anything but butterflies and flowers in my voice, considering what he’s been through today, but it’s pretty obvious I’m not going to like where he’s going with this. I’m a little tired ofbad news. I’m a handyman/fireman nicknamed Cupid who’s interested in a woman who’s currently living with six other men. I might as well have set my sights on Snow White. Isn’t that enough? How much can one man take?

“Rowan, you need to understand that I didn’t know this when you were a kid. I may have suspected, but I didn’t know. She only told me a couple of months ago.”

“What the f… What are you talking about, Jay?”

“I’m your father, Rowan.”

“Yeah, I know you said you’re still our stepdad after—”

“No,” he says, adamant. “I’m your father.”

His words and the way he’s saying them sink in. Shock roils through me, followed by a cold, numb feeling. “You’re my father. So. What? You were having an affair with my mother when she was still with my dad?” A humorless laugh escapes me. “Well, I guess he’s not my dad, not that he ever was much of one.”

“Yes,” Jay says, his face full of sympathy, like he understands what a barrel of shit he’s just unloaded on me and is sorry for it. Like he knows this is going to make me respect him less. “We started seeing each other before she had you, but it didn’t last long. She said she wanted to try to be a real family with you and her husband…and Bryn and Holly, of course. I don’t have an excuse, other than that I loved her.”

“Jesus, Jay. I always knew our family was fucked up, but this adds another layer,” I say, getting to my feet. Pacing. It’s a layer I could do without.

If Jay’s my father, I could have gone to live with him like Ivy did after our mother left. Only, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave Bryn and Holly. I definitely wouldn’t have left Willow.

Fuck. I’ll have to tell her this. Will she think I’m less of her brother once she finds out we’re only half-siblings?

“I’m sorry,” Jay says.

“Yeah, me too. I can’t… I need to go. For a while.”

“You take all the time you need, buddy,” he says, giving me a slight smile. “Just as long as you come back.”

My heart’s burning as I stomp off down the hallway, through the waiting room, and out to my truck, where the stupid, fucking tree is waiting in the bed. Suddenly, I’m exhausted. Thoroughly and utterly exhausted. All I want to do is go home, sit in a room, preferably dark, and drink whiskey until I pass out. And if that sounds horrible, then you have a limited imagination. The numb feeling that engulfed me in the hospital room is receding, and I don’t want to feel what lies beneath it.

My sister isn’t back yet by the time I get home, not that I was expecting her. Her app event is supposed to last all day. The house feels empty, though, and I don’t like it.

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