Page 152 of A Merry Mountain Christmas

“There’s a little rabbit on it. Is it some kind of toy for Christmas? The package says it’s a magic wand that’s supposed to make people moan, but they spelled magic with ak, and it didn’t come with a spell book or anything.” He pulls a face. “I guess I can just use it with the Harry Potter spells. Itdoesvibrate like it’s doing magic, and it can whirl in circles too.”

A short laugh sputters out of Jace.

My face is so red, it might as well be a fire truck.Magik wand.At least the name offers a reasonable explanation. For a six-year-old. God help me, I can’t bear to look at Jace.

I make a grab for the vibrator, but Aidan evades me.

“Why’d you get it in pink, Mom? You know green’s my favorite color.”

Jace clears his throat, but nope, I still can’t look at him. He’s not laughing anymore, but I know he probably wants to. Who wouldn’t? If hedidfeel some sort of passing attraction to me before this, he certainly doesn’t now.

Darn Nicole and her seemingly reasonable suggestions.

“Aidan,” Jace says slowly, his voice husky. “There are toys for adults too. That’s probably something your mom got as a treat for herself, although I’m sure she’ll get you a Harry Potter wand for Christmas if you want one. Let her have it.”

Aidan does, which is what I wanted, but then I have a vibrator in my hand. A bright pink vibrator that seemed cute and kind of saucy when I saw it online but now seems totally ridiculous. What the hell am I going to do with it? I think for a moment and then stuff it into my bag. The end of the vibrator pops out of my bag, and it’s clearly molded to look like the tip of a penis.

What is happening to me?

“It must be some kind of mistake,” I say, finally forcing myself to meet Jace’s gaze. “I didn’t order this. I wouldn’t…”

I thought I’d see laughter there, because he’s only human, but all traces of it are gone, and now he’s looking at me like I’m the last slice of birthday cake at an office birthday party. No, like I’m the first. And for a moment, I want nothing more than to live in that feeling. Then his gaze shifts to the pink protuberance from my purse, and I feel more blood rush to my cheeks.

“It’s not mine,” I say, although that pink tip suggests it’s a lie. “I’m going to write them a strongly worded letter. It’s totally inappropriate that they’d send this in a box with a children’s game.”

“Yes, it is,” he says with a smile. “I think I’d like to see that note.”

“You’re teasing me, aren’t you?”

“Absolutely.” His eyes are sparkling with mirth and heat, and I feel a strange sizzling sensation course through me, like a good kind of electric shock.

Aidan pulls at my shirt. “Mom, why would they send you something like that by mistake? We’ve never gotten something we didn’t order before. Or at least we didn’t get a totally different item. Did you ask for it in a different color or something? You usually pick things in gray or dark blue.”

“Yeah,” Jace says, still grinning, “I didn’t take you for a woman who’d go for pink.”

Suddenly this is all too much—no, it was too much several minutes ago—and I realize we’ve stood out here for too long, talking about and holding my vibrator.

Goodness. I should move. I should contact the landlord and tell them we’re cutting our lease short. But first I open the door and usher them in, acting with as much dignity as I can muster.

“Mistakes happen all the time,” I insist, then make myself glance at Jace. “Case in point. I’ll have to send it back. No harm done.”

“You should keep it,” he says in a whisper so soft I’m not even sure I heard it.

After showingJace into the living room, doing my best to avoid apologizing for our naked and very crappy tree—I manage it, but just barely—I hurry into the kitchen, still holding the purse containing the offending item. A horrified sound escapes me when I see the packaging—Magik wand! Make yourself moan! Satisfaction guaranteed!There’s a photograph of a woman on the front, totally clothed, thank goodness, but her mouth is stretched open as if in the throes of pleasure. Aidan saw that. He saw it! He didn’t know what it meant, but it was irresponsible of me to have something like this delivered to the house, even if I’d thought it would show up after he left for Charlotte.

Somehow, the box is worse than the actual vibrator. Glancing around wildly, I open the bottom drawer in the cabinet by the stove and stow the vibrator inside, along with the candy thermometer and other special utensils I rarely use. Though I shove the other things in front of it, the bright pink of the vibrator can still be seen through them, so I wrap it up in aToy Storydish cloth. I may have a literal mind, but the irony of cloaking a vibrator with a Sheriff Woody cloth isn’t lost on me.

I’ll have to come back for it later. Package it back up. Except…can I actually send it back now that Aidan has removed it from the packaging? Surely they don’t accept returns on used vibrators. That would be unethical.

Still, I’ll have to clean mine off thoroughly before I use it, just in case.

The thought catches me off guard, and I feel the searing in my cheeks even though Aidan and Jace are now safely tucked in the living room, playing Race to the Treasure.

Goodness, I’m so worked up that even the name of Aidan’s favorite board game sounds like a sexual euphemism. Still, I can’t actually use the vibrator after all this, can I?

Except, if I don’t, I just might explode. This feeling welling between my legs…all that pressure needs to go somewhere, doesn’t it? I might not actually believe in spontaneous combustion, but I don’t want to be the first woman to make it a reality.

Feeling wild and, worse, wildly out of control, I grab a pair of scissors and start chopping the vibrator box up into tiny pieces. Normally, I would recycle it—it’s a perfectly fine, if horribly embarrassing, cardboard box—but I’m seized by a fear of the garbage collectors seeing it.

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