Page 67 of Trailer Trash

I started to cry.

He was close to me in an instant, pulling me into his embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said into my hair. “I’m making it worse. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “I can’t see Beasley right now. I can’t handle it.”

“I know. It’s okay. Let’s go back to our room.”

I nodded and he helped me into the car again. As soon as we were settled, he took off, ignoring the curious stares.

He drove straight to the motel while I sat in silence. I didn’t dare cry or I’d cry away every last part of me until there was nothing left but an empty shell. When he parked in the lot, he came around to help me out, but I was already halfway to the stairs. He wrapped his arm around my back, but I shook it off, feeling dirty and claustrophobic. I was waging an inner battle over what I wanted. Part of me was desperate for him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay, but another more vocal part of me was on edge and ready to fight. That part couldn’t stand anyone’s touch, not even Jed’s.

“I’m sorry,” I said after I recoiled. “I just feel . . . so . . .”

“Don’t apologize.” But he stayed close until we reached the room, as though he worried he’d need to be there to pick up the pieces if I fell apart.

It was a legitimate concern.

As soon as we entered the air-conditioned room, I climbed onto the bed and curled into a ball. I couldn’t handle the world anymore. I couldn’t handle my shame and embarrassment. I couldn’t handle the pain I’d been through and the pain that had lingered with me for so long. All I wanted was to sleep for a million years and wake up feeling nothing.

* * *

Iwoke with a start, bolting off the bed, fresh from a nightmare I was already forgetting, except I could see the man’s looming face, turning first red and then pale.

It was still daytime, which made me feel a little better. Jed was slouched in the chair next to the bed. He sat up when he saw me stir.

“Jed?”

“I’m here,” he said, leaning forward. “What do you need?”

“Will you hold me?”

He was beside me in an instant, helping me lie on my side. Then he curled up behind me without hesitation, wrapping his arm over my stomach. “Is this okay?” he asked. “Is this too tight?”

“No.” A moment later, I whispered, “I need you. And I hate that I do.”

“Did you ever think that I need you too?”

I turned to glance back at him.

“It’s true,” he said, leaning over and kissing my bare shoulder. “Skeeter . . . I’ve been loyal to him for so long I’ve forgotten there are other choices. Other lives. I’m confused and pissed, but you help me put it all in perspective. No one else has ever made me feel like this . . .” He closed his eyes and groaned. “I suck at this, Neely Kate.”

I rolled over so that my stomach pressed against his. “No. Jed. You don’t.” I lifted my hand to his temple, stroking it with my fingertip. “But I’m messed up. I’m broken. You deserve someone who isn’t so complicated.”

He gave me a sardonic smile. “And my career choice isn’t complicated?”

“It’s more than that, and you know it. I haven’t even finished my story.” I searched his eyes. “I killed someone, Jed.”

His hand brushed a strand of hair from my face. “I know.” I started to sit up, but he pulled me back down. “Shh . . . Lie still. It’s okay.”

“It’s okay that I killed someone?”

“We’ve talked about this. I’ve killed someone too.Multiplesomeones. You should kick me out of this room right now and take my car to go back home.”

“I’m not goin’ to do that, Jed.”

“Why?”

“Because I know your heart. You must have had a reason.”

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