Page 35 of Trailer Trash

“You don’t have to live like that anymore.”

“But I’ll always be that girl. I’ll always be that eighteen-year-old girl who sold her virginity for two hundred dollars. Slut. Whore.Prostitute.”

He held me tighter as I sobbed into his chest, seven years of pain and regret drenching his shirt. “It’s my fault my babies died.”

“No,” he said, burying his face into my hair as he pulled me even closer. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. All those STDs destroyed my insides. And the baby before them . . .” I sobbed even harder. “It was my punishment, only they paid the price. They counted on me to keep them safe, but I killed them.”

“No, Neely Kate.No.”

“I deserve every bit of pain this world gives me, but they were innocent. Why did they have to die?”

He cupped my face and pulled me back to search my eyes. “I don’t know. But you would have made a wonderful mother.”

I cried harder, loud, embarrassing wails. “How could I be a wonderful mother if I killed them?” I tried to pull away from him. “Let me go!”

He lowered an arm to my back, continuing to search my face with compassionate eyes. “I’m not letting you go, Neely Kate.”

“Why?”

He didn’t answer.

“See?” I demanded, through heavy sobs. “I’m worthless. I can’t even take care of babies so small they were the size of lima beans.” I tried to jerk away again, but it was a halfhearted attempt. If he let go of me, I’d be lost in my misery forever, yet I didn’t trust him to stay. “Let me go.”

“No,” he said, the word thick with emotion.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

I tried to pull free, but his arms were tight bands around my back, holding me to his chest. I fell into him, crying so hard my face went numb. But he held on.

“I’m here, Neely Kate,” he said, stroking my hair. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You can’t be worthless, because you mean something to me.”

Chapter 11

Ididn’t believe him. Not for a minute. He was only saying that to make me stop crying, but I was too distraught to argue.

I sank into him, sobbing so hard I could hardly catch my breath. My legs went limp, but Jed’s arms were tight around me, holding me up.

“Let’s go find a room, Neely Kate. Okay?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t care. Part of me wanted to disappear right here . . . just evaporate into a wisp of a cloud and be gone forever.

He led me to the passenger side and gently helped me in, then shut the door.

He got behind the wheel and started driving. For all I knew, he was heading straight back to Arkansas, not that I blamed him. But I knew if he took me back there, I’d promptly turn around and leave. I couldn’t go directly from the stench ofthisto the goodness of Rose and the hopefulness I felt with Joe, and that knowledge only made me cry harder.

But when Jed drove into town, he pulled into the parking lot of a Motel 6 instead of taking the highway south.

He got out without a word and went inside, but he was back in only a few minutes. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. What did he think of me? What had I done? I’d just disgusted the one person who could possibly help me out of my nightmare.

He drove to the back of the lot and grabbed my bag as he got out. Seconds later, he opened my car door and squatted next to me.

“We’re goin’ inside now.”

I lifted my gaze to stare at him. Preparing myself to face his scorn.

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