Page 19 of Searching for Valor

“Let’s take this inside,” Rylan said gently, handing Hudson back. “We’ll talk in my office.”

chapter

six

Once the doorshut behind them, Donovan set Hudson down and started pacing the length of the room. Rylan decided to give him time—he obviously needed a minute—and crossed to the coffee maker, starting a fresh brew as Donovan’s anxiety filled the small space.

When the coffee was done, Rylan filled two mugs. The strong, dark aroma helped clear his head a bit as he carried the steaming cups over to Donovan.

“Here,” he said, holding one out. “This always helps me think straighter. Now sit down before you pace a hole in my carpet and tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.“

“Who the fuck knows?”

“You do.” He held out the mug again. “Have some coffee and talk to me.”

After a second, Donovan accepted the mug with a tight smile, taking a long sip before sinking onto the couch. He ran a hand over his close-cropped hair. “I feel like a ticking bomb, Ry. Ever since the TBI, I don’t trust my brain. What if I black out while I’m alone with Hudson? Or have a seizure while I’m driving or… or lose control like my old man used to? What if I hurt him?”

Rylan settled into his chair, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. This he could handle. This is what he was good at— talking his team through their fears and doubts. “Okay, first off, we’ve talked about this before. You’re not your old man. You would never in a million years hurt that boy. The fact that you’re even worried about it shows how much you care. That right there makes you a good father.”

Donovan shook his head, his jaw clenched. “I forgot Hudson in the bath the other day. Just… forgot. Only for a minute, but it scared the hell out of me. What if next time I don’t remember? A good dad doesn’t put his kid in danger like that. I should’ve known I wasn’t ready to be alone with him yet. Sasha’s been so careful to make sure I always have backup in case my fucking brain glitches, but she had a dog come into the clinic needing emergency surgery, and I insisted I was fine to put him to bed. I just… I wanted to prove I could do it, you know?”

“You think any new parent feels one hundred percent ready and confident about being alone with their kid? They’re all just winging it, man. TBI or no TBI.”

Donovan stared into his coffee. “Most new parents don’t have to worry about their brain shorting out on them at any moment.” He sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging. “I just want to be the dad Hudson deserves.”

Rylan sat back in his chair and studied his friend. He knew exactly how Donovan felt—that crippling self-doubt, the fear that you were fundamentally broken. Hell, he battled those demons every damn day. But he also knew firsthand how powerful it could be to have someone believe in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself.

“Listen to me. You are not your TBI. It’s a part of you, yes, but it doesn’t define you. And it sure as hell doesn’t make you dangerous to your son. You’re already the dad Hudson deserves.I see it every time you’re with him. The way you light up, how careful and gentle you are. That boy is the center of your world.”

Donovan swallowed hard, his eyes glistening. “I’m just so damn scared of failing him. Of being... broken.”

“I understand that fear, but here’s the thing— Hudson doesn’t need you to be perfect. He just needs you to be there, loving him the best way you know how. And when the hard days come, when that self-doubt gets real loud, you lean on the people who care about you. Sasha, Zak, Anna, me— we’re all here to back you up. None of us are letting you do it alone.”

Donovan popped to his feet as Hudson crawled over to the bookshelf. He scooped the baby up before those chubby hands could reach for a book. “I know. I do. It’s just… hard to ask for help sometimes. Makes me feel weak.”

“It’s not weakness, Van. It’s strength. It takes a strong man to admit when he needs backup. And an even stronger one to actually ask for it.”

You should be asking for it, too. Take your own fucking advice, you coward. Open your mouth and tell Donovan you need help.

Rylan closed his eyes against that inner voice. This moment was not about his issues.

“Are you okay?” Donovan asked.

He opened his eyes to see the guy studying him with a worried frown. “Yeah.” He nodded and tried for a smile before taking a long drink of his coffee. “Just a headache. Have you talked to Sasha about any of this?”

Donovan bounced Hudson gently as he paced, avoiding Rylan’s gaze. “I mean, she knows about the bath incident. I wouldn’t keep something like that from her. But I tried to brush it off as no big deal, and, yeah, in hindsight, that wasn’t the right move. I didn’t want her to know how freaked out I am about it all.”

“What was her response?”

“It scared her. She’s barely let us both out of her sight since it happened. The only reason she’s not my shadow right now is she’d already volunteered to work at a free spay and neuter clinic. She couldn’t back out, so she made me promise to stay close to the rescue today. I hate that she has to worry about me on top of everything else.”

“I get that, man. But shutting her out isn’t going to help either of you. She’s your partner in this parenting thing. Let her share the load, even the ugly parts. Especially the ugly parts.”

Donovan was quiet for a long moment, absently rubbing Hudson’s back as the baby started to doze against his shoulder. Finally, he met Rylan’s gaze, his eyes full of raw emotion. “I hear you. It’s just... I don’t want her to think less of me, you know? Like I’m not capable of being the husband and father she needs me to be.”

Rylan stood and crossed to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Donovan, that woman loves you with everything she’s got. She married you knowing about the TBI, about all the challenges that might come with it. She’s not going to think less of you for being human and struggling sometimes. If anything, she’ll probably be relieved you’re opening up to her.”

Donovan looked down at Hudson, now sound asleep against his chest. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just...” He blew out a breath. “I’ve been so determined to prove I can handle this, that I’m not damaged goods. Guess I lost sight of the fact that it’s okay to need help sometimes.”

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