Page 15 of Forcing Her Hand

Damnit, woman, get that man out of your head.

Roger probably wouldn’t react too well, either. Thinking of him, Allison felt her heart sink.

“Uh oh, what’s that look for?” Diana asked.

“I invited Roger over Saturday afternoon, so I can break up with him.” Last night, she’d decided, definitively, it wasn’t fair to keep him hanging on. Even if she wanted to have feelings for him, it’s not like she could force them to appear, and it wasn’t right to keep both of them stuck in this limbo.

“Oh.” The soft brown of Diana’s eyes were sympathetic. “Do you want me to be around?”

“Probably not during the afternoon, if that’s okay with you, but can we get some girl time after?”

“Absolutely.” Diana gave her a big hug, and Allison squeezed her friend back, then giggled as she realized she was still holding the butt plug. Somehow, holding a butt plug and hugging just didn’t seem to go together. Diana turned her head and saw the reason for Allison’s laughter, making her giggle as well. “Out and take your naughty toy with you.”

Both of them giggled as Allison headed back toward her bedroom, hearing the sounds of water running as Diana turned on the shower. Too bad Diana wasn’t a man. Then Allison could date her.

* * *

Saturday came all too quickly. Too scared to call him and talk to him on the phone, afraid she might blurt out the reason she was inviting him over—and Allison didn’t want to be one of those girls who did an over the phone break up—Allison had texted Roger to see if he could come over that afternoon. Of course, he’d said yes. Now, she didn’t know what to do. Should she put out cheese and crackers and offer him a snack before dumping him?

Ugh. She felt so heartless. It had been so much easier when it was a guy she truly didn’t care about, and she could tell he had only been dating her for the approved social connection, not because he really had any interest in her. None of them had been hurt when she’d started turning them down for dates. She and Roger had been dating for months, and it had started to turn into a real relationship—just not one she was truly invested in. She didn’t want to hurt him, though, and it might sound egotistical to say she knew she was going to, but it was true. Last week, he’d told her he loved her. This week, she was breaking up with him.

Should she chicken out? Just keep up the charade?

No. That would be worse. Eventually, it would come out that she wasn’t happy in the relationship, and she couldn’t see that changing. Holding onto something she didn’t want would just make them both miserable. She should free Roger, so he could find a girl who deserved him, would make him happy, and would allow him to make her happy.

Allison just couldn’t be that girl.

Her stomach twisted, and she felt nauseous when the doorbell rang. Diana had vacated about half an hour ago. She would have stayed longer, but Allison had shooed her out the door. Diana had her own life to attend to. They’d go out tonight, have a couple of drinks, dance, then come back to the apartment for a chick flick and ice cream. It sounded like the perfect post-breakup night, but Allison felt incredibly guilty she’d planned it in advance.

Opening the door just made her feel worse. Roger was standing there with the sweetest smile on his face, the kindest look in his green eyes, and a bouquet of mixed flowers that smelled wonderful. As he took in the expression on her face, his smile faded, and he started to look worried. Allison felt like the biggest bitch, the worst person on the planet, and she wished she could just run away. Maybe she should change her mind. If she made him happy, that wasn’t the worst fate in the world, right?

“Allison, what’s wrong?” Roger set the flowers down on the table next to the door where she and Diana kept their keys and loose change.

All it took was one look at him, into his caring, generous eyes, and Allison burst into tears. Care was replaced with alarm as Roger pulled her into his arms, holding her close against his body, and stroked the soft curls of her hair. Shit, she was shit.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?”

Allison sobbed harder. God, it was now or never. She needed him to stop being so nice to her, or she’d never get through this. Pulling away, she stared at the floor, relieved he let her go far enough to distance herself from him.

“I’m s-s-s-ooorry, I can’t… I can’t do this,” she managed to say through shuddering gasps for air. The sobs wracked her body. She was pathetic. She needed to get a grip, so he didn’t feel like he had to pity her.

“Can’t do what?”

“This. Us. I’m sorry,” she said, gulping back tears. For a brief moment, she looked up into his concerned green eyes and immediately tore her gaze away. That was a mistake. “I… we… I can’t be with you anymore.”

His hands fell away from her arms. Good. Now, he would hate her the way she deserved to be hated.

“Is it something I did?”

Horrified, Allison shook her head frantically. Now, she was the one reaching out to touch his arms, looking up into his face, so he could see her expression. Tears still leaked out of her eyes, but she was getting more control as the urge to make sure he knew he wasn’t the problem became overwhelming.

“No. No, no, no, no.” Her fingers clenched his sleeves as she tried to get her sincerity across to him. Disbelief and worry flickered across his face. “I want to want you. You’re perfect, so perfect in every way… It’s me. There’s something wrong with me or something. There’s just… something missing for me, and I can’t explain it, and I’m not sure I really know what it is, but it’s not fair to keep you hanging around when I can’t give you what you deserve.”

Finally, the right words were coming out of her mouth, the ones she’d thought, hoping they would explain everything. It saddened her immeasurably to see his green eyes darken, the delicate skin around them reddening slightly as he held back his own tears. He wouldn’t cry in front of her. Gently he plucked her fingers from the sleeves of his shirt.

“It’s okay, Allison.”

“It’s not… you have to know, it’s not you. I swear.” Babbling, she was babbling. When Roger pulled her into his arms again, she lost it, her sobs renewing.

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