Page 45 of The Road Sometimes Taken

“No, I don’t need a pity date,” she snaps, tilting her phone down so Alex can’t see her face.Pity,there’s that word again. As if I’m not already hot at the thought of her going by herself. Then add the fact that the jerk is going to be there with the new girlfriend, fiancée, or whatever she is; but if I tell her that right now, she’ll fuss and say no so I need to play my cards right.

“I’m going to be there either way and this way I don’t stay in the room like a loser,” I reply, “You’d be doingmea favor.”

Cara shakes her head. I know she doesn’t really want me there, but maybe it’s not that she doesn’t and more that she thinks she’s bothering me. But I know the one thing she can’t refuse is when someone asks for help. I hate using her weakness against her but in this case, I will. “I haven’t asked for anything on this whole trip, Cara. Please, let me come party with you. Plus, I’ll see Jake and we can hang out while you and Allie dance the night away.”

We pull up to a quaint house nestled in a tree-lined neighborhood. The front yard is well-maintained with two small flower beds brimming with colorful blooms of wildflowers. Themarked parking spot, framed by shrubs and flowers surrounds us now and after shifting the bus to park I ask, “Please, Carita?”

Her features soften as she lets out a sigh and picks her phone back up, tapping the screen and saying, “Sorry about that. Is it too late to add a plus one?”

I throw my fist in the air like I won a trophy and she shakes her head, shooting daggers my way with her eyes.

“Not at all. Does this person have a name?”

“Manuel Zabana. I gotta go, though. See you next week!” Cara shouts and hangs up the phone.

“I better go shine my dancing shoes,” I add, laughing and pretending to dance Salsa. Funny Manny is the only thing that’s left if I won’t bring the kiss up. She clearly regretted it, or at least that’s the lie she’s telling herself but we both know that’s not the case.

“You have dancing shoes?” she asks and I can tell she’s nervous or sad or anxious. Maybe a combination of the three but definitely not the upbeat Cara I’m used to. The more we’re together on this trip, the more I realize that she may show everyone her funny, sweet, kind, happy side but that’s not what fills her mind. She has these moments when I’ve seen glimpses of her life when she feels other things but she hides them. She hides her true feelings and it breaks my heart. It tears it apart because I know that she’s the first to encourage her friends and family to be honest, to feel, to talk about what they’re going through, yet she hides it all behind the ‘happy’ mask.

If there’s one thing I want her to get out of this trip, of the week we have left together, is that she should trust her people into showing them what she’s feeling. She doesn’t have to show herself as flawlessly composed all the time to be who she is.

“That was a joke. A way to get you to relax and stop overthinking it, okay?” I reach for a strand of her hair that fell out of her bun and twist it around it, tucking it into her hair tie anddropping the back of my fingers to caress her cheek. She closes her eyes, her eyelashes kissing the top of her cheeks, and lets out a breath. I give her time. Time to figure out what she wants to say or if she even wants to say anything at all. I give her time to just be. Be with herself and her feelings. Be in this space, without feeling like she needs to be anywhere else, like she needs to be something else.

“It’s okay to let it all out,” I whisper, granting her the permission she feels like she needs. She lets a breath out with a slight shake and when she opens her beautiful eyes, I can see they’re full of tears.

She blinks rapidly, once, twice, and then the first teardrop falls. She drops her face into her hands and whispers, “God, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” I soothe, squeezing her shoulder gently. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Let yourself feel it, whatever it is that you’re feeling, Cara.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to start crying. I just feel so stupid right now,” she mumbles, wiping her eyes with the palm of her hands.

“Cara, bebé, please stop apologizing.” Can’t she see that I would give every single dollar I have and more to be her soft place to land?

She looks up, her eyes swollen and red, and a soft smile appears on her face. “It’s okay, I’ll be fine. Let’s go inside. It’s late and I’m hungry,” she says quickly, her voice still trembling.

I shake my head, offering her a reassuring smile and adding, “You don’t have to apologize forfeeling, and you sure as hell don’t have to apologize for letting me see this part of you. You don’t have to hide from me and if you want to talk I’m here. I really mean that.”

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” she asks.

“Then we don’t have to. But the offer still stands, I’m hereif you do want to and sometimes, letting it out is all you need. When was the last time you shared what you were truly feeling?” I squeeze her hand, gently rubbing the top of her soft hand.

Cara lets out a breath, placing her head back onto the pink seat and closing her eyes. There’s no sound other than the soft melody of the background music and Cara’s soft sniffles.

“You’ll think I’m pathetic,” she says softly, still with her eyes closed.

“Never, Cara, never,” I remind her as I squeeze her hand one more time.

“I just hate the whole situation, you know? Our friend group is in such a tough place with Tasha and Cole’s engagement. Everyone’s walking on eggshells around me and Allie. Allie isn’t close with most of them, so it might be easier for her, or at least I hope it is. But these are my people, Manny. I grew up with Nick, Alex, Jake, and Cole. Natalie too. Tasha joined our group later, but the rest of us go way back. They’re like my siblings as much as they are my friends. And yeah, we all thought I’d end up marrying Cole one day, except Cole himself. But now he’s marrying Tasha? Who also used to be with Jake? It’s all just too much. The icing on the cake is that all of this is happening now when we’re all going to be forced to be together. I knew it was coming, but Alex’s call made it all feel so real. I think I got overwhelmed and that’s why I started crying, but I’m okay now. I promise.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for feeling this way. I can see how heavy all of this is on you. It’s completely normal to be overwhelmed and to cry. It’s a lot to process,” I reply. “But Cara, you don’t have to pretend to be okay with any of it. The situation it’s all fucked up. It’s okay to be pissed or sad or whatever you want to feel,” I add, trying to reassure her with my eyes but my voice is betraying mebecause my tone is clipped as all I want to do is rip his head off.

Cara looks down at her lap, her voice barely above a whisper. “I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve already cried over him enough and everyone’s already on edge about this. I’m done bringing everyone else around me down.”

I shake my head and add, “You’re not a burden. And also, I don’t thinkyoueven know the light that you are in everyone’s life. You don’t bring people down, you lift them up but sometimes, you need to let others do the same for you. We all need rain sometimes.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You’re everyone’s sunshine, Cara. Pure, happy, warm. But sometimes we all need rain, and you can be that too. Show others that youareboth.” I smile softly again, not dropping her eyes and getting closer to her. In these moments, these little pockets of time, I feel like nothing exists but us. I feel like she’s looking at me with more than just friendship but want or adoration. I feel like maybe she could see me as more, even if just for this trip, even if just for this moment.

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