Page 71 of The Road Sometimes Taken

“This is me,” I murmur like a damn idiot. Manny has the address on GPS so of course he knows that. We agreed he’ll take the van with him tonight and we’ll figure out tomorrow how I can pick it up. He’s staying the night at his Jacksonville condo so at least it’s not too far away.

He parks, walking to my side of the door and opening it for me. Helping me to get out, he then leans in to grab my bags from the backseat. We walk in silence to the door, the week andthe whole Ferris wheel conversation hanging between us. My heart is on my throat and the words “stay with me” are right on the tip of my tongue but I don’t think it’s fair to either of us.

He places the bag next to the wooden door. “Thank you for everything, Manny,” I offer quietly. “This trip was truly the highlight of my year.”Of my life,I want to say but I don't. I bring my hand to his arm and squeeze it gently, his muscles tightening under my touch.

“No need to thank me, I was happy to do it, Cara.”Cara. Manny stopped calling me Carita the minute I told him I thought he was wrong and I truly didn’t make him happy.What if you do, Cara? What if you are exactly what he needs and he is what you need?

“Talk to you tomorrow?” I won’t ask any more questions; I won’t admit to him I think I want more. I won’t tell him because I know for a fact there’s no good way out of this. He would want me until he’s busy with work again and then he won’t need me anymore and I can’t do that again. I can’t go through this again.

“Yup, sounds about right. Good night, Cara.” Manny brings his face down, kisses me on the cheek and walks away from me. I open the door, step through it and slide myself down to the floor. Letting all the tears I’ve been holding for what feels like a year all at once.

It’sfunny how Manny called me sunshine for three weeks straight, because right now I feel like the complete opposite of that. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of the cliff watching the storm form on the horizon. But instead of the storm being faraway, the storm is reflecting my heart. My sorrows. It’s brewing deep within me.

All night I couldn’t sleep. My chest tightening around my heart and my lungs making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. The pit of my stomach in knots telling me that I’m wrong. Telling me that I made the wrong call. How could I have made the wrong choice when my heart was already breaking at his words—and that’s without giving it the chance to wither even more? Without giving it the chance to grow more attached and to connect with him even more. Eventually he would get tired of this small town life. I don’t belong in his perfectly curated world; at least this way, I can mourn what I wish I would have and not what once was. There’s no surviving losing Manny so at least this way I get to keep him as a friend, without fucking it all up by trying to make a relationship work. I know I’m enough, I know that. I know that Cole wasn’t really it for me or for anyone for that matter. I know that the years he made me feel like I was a shit show and not good enough for him were just a reflection on him; I know that my relationship with him doesn’t dictate the way the rest of my relationships will go in life. But I need to take time to do the things I want to do without worrying whether my partner wants to do the same too.

Even though this feeling of despair is not dissipating by any means, I’m sure it’ll go away once I shower, eat something, and see my girls. Maybe it’s just the crash after spending three weeks filled with adrenaline or the exhaustion of it all. But either way, something’s gotta give.

I’m fully expecting my van keys not to be on top of the granite countertop in the kitchen, where the rest of the keys lay, so I take a step back when I see them there. My bright pink cowgirl hat keychain attached to my keys lies on top of a note. I grab the keys and read the note, immediately letting out a sighbecause I think I broke Manny’s heart. If I actually did, I will never forgive myself. The thing is, how do I let him down gently when I’m trying to protect my heart too? How do I prioritize his when I know how much it hurts being replaced by someone more accessible? I refuse to go back to the spot I was, thinking I was worthless and useless because I wasn’t enough for a piece of shit of a man.But Manny is nothing like him,the little voice of reason echoes in my head. Deep down I know it’s right but I just can’t risk it. Not right now.

Cara,

I know I was supposed to come back tomorrow to return the keys and the bus but I decided to just call a car instead. I got my things out of there so it’s ready for you to take on new adventures. I hope I didn’t leave any trace of me being there but if I did, just toss it away. I have a lot of work to catch up on this week so if you don’t hear from me, that’s why.

Welcome back home, Cara. I hope you get everything your heart desires and I hope Baker brings as much light as you brought into my life these past three weeks.

Don’t let other’s shadows cast over your light but don’t let yourself dim your own flame either. You are the sun, Cara. Never forget.

Love,

M.

I wipe away the tears that were threatening onceI saw the note but that quickly were unable to be held back at his tender words. How did I manage to spend three weeks with Manny and somehow it feels like it was both longer but also not enough? He opened his heart to me. He let me in. He let me seehimand I did the same; but is that enough for us to mess everything up and try to make this work? He needs more and I’m not in the position to do it. I’m not in the position of dropping everything and becoming the type of girlfriend he needs. Fancy and put together and a good representation of his brand everywhere. One thing’s for sure; whoever he decides to share his life with will be the luckiest girl in the world. I just need to be brave enough to be able to offer him the one thing I asked from him: friendship.

Three WeeksLater

Being back home has beenevery bit of the dream I thought it would be. Breakfast at Ronnie’s, coffee with my mom, daily walks with Allie, drinking with Roe, hanging out at Natalie’s shop’s couch while I blabber nonstop about random shit, and so much more. It feels so good to be back, except something’s missing.

I feel like part of me is not really here but rather stuck on the road trip. Stuck in those three weeks of bliss. I haven’t talked to Manny much, just quick text messages here or there. I’m sure he’s busy with work but I miss him. I don’t know how many times I’ve written and deleted those words in text to him, because what am I supposed to say—“Hey does that offer to seewhere this thing goes stands? Do you still think you could be happy with me?”

Allie had sent out some frantic SOS text, so I just got to her house to see what the hell is going on. If she tells me she’s pregnant, I’m going to be very happy but also, give a girl a call and stop with the SOS texts. I walk in, not bothering ringing the doorbell. I look around and although I don’t see Allie, Roe and Natalie are both here.

“I’m sorry, Cara, but you look like absolute shit,” Roe confesses.

"What are you sorry about? That you’re telling me I look like shit, or because I actually do?" I snap, my voice sharper than I mean it to be. Without waiting for an answer, I collapse onto Allie’s couch, the cushions sinking beneath me like they’re trying to swallow me whole.

"Both? Either? What’s going on?"

“Nothing is going on other than me being tired. What if I told you that you looked like shit, huh?” Roe huffs and I roll my eyes, taking a deep breath. It’s the same question I’ve been hearing over and over, and it’s wearing me down, piece by piece. I’m happy, I truly am. I love my life here. Is something missing? Yes. Is that something Manny? Maybe.

"I’m fine," I reiterate, but it feels like a lie in my mouth. "Just... tired. The move here’s been more than I thought."

It’s the same line I’ve been repeating to everyone, including myself when I catch a quick glimpse of my smile not reaching my eyes or my eyes roaming, wondering if Manny is thinking about me or if he’s lost in work again.

I know it’s not just the move. It's everything—the house I’ve been obsessing over, the one that should feel like a fresh start? It feels right but when I keep looking at it, it just seems emptier than it is. It feels quiet and eerie. I can’t even pinpoint why. So I just keep avoiding it, keep putting offmaking an offer even though that is literally the house of my dreams.

Natalie’s gaze is soft but heavy with concern. "Cara, we’re just worried. You haven’t been yourself. You’ve been... pulling away." Her words hang in the air between us, a sharp ache.

I hold up my hands, palms out, like I can ward them off. "Nothing’s wrong. Really. I’m just... tired. Can we please stop talking about it?" The words tumble out sour in my mouth at the lie I keep repeating.

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