Page 70 of The Road Sometimes Taken

“I don’t know that I actually make you happy, Manny.Three weeks is not enough time to turn your life upside down to follow a girl just because you think she brings you joy,” she says, completely serious and turning her knees away from me. She’s putting a barrier up with her words and her body, hitting me with a harder blow.

“But you do, Cara. I’ve always been happier around you, my whole life actually. All my damn life and now that I had you in my arms, now that I know exactly what my life feels with you in it, I don’t know that I could ever go back.”

“I hear you, Manny, and I agree to an extent. I just think a lot played into the happiness we both felt these three weeks. Outdoor time, time away from work and the rest of the people who may bring us problems. You haven’t taken a vacation in years and your brain is probably high on dopamine from not being stressed out all the time. And yeah, I’m sure hormones played a big part and the whole forced proximity thing. But tomorrow… tomorrow when we go back to reality, you’ll go back to your corporate life and I’ll be trying to rebuild my life.”

I lean against the cool metal railing, the air warm against our skin. “And I don’t fit in that plan,” I answer flatly, rubbing my chin, trying to ground myself amidst the storm brewing in my chest.

“What are you saying, Manny? Are you saying you’ll quit your job and move to Baker Oaks and go on hikes with me after I get home from school?” Her voice is sharp, piercing through me and leaving me hollower with each word.

“No, Cara, that’s not what I’m saying.” My words hang in the air, heavy and unwieldy. Below us, the carnival lights flicker like fireflies trapped in glass jars. We’re suspended at the top, caught in the cycle of this conversation—one that spins around and around with no end.

“Exactly, Manny. I finally want to do something formyself.” She gazes out at the horizon, where the silhouette of the town is just a shadow against the darkening sky.

“I want to move to Baker and learn my new job and be around my friends. I want to be in the town I’ve loved all my life from afar, and for once I want to be happy.” Her voice cracks, the truth of her words echoing between us.You don’t make her happy, Manny. Once, maybe, but now that she remembers who she is, she doesn’t need me anymore.

I swallow hard as she says, “We said this was over when the trip was done, and now it is. You did promise me, though.”

“I promised you what, Cara?” The lump in my throat grows thicker, making it hard to breathe as I search her eyes for the answers I’m terrified to see.

“You promised you’d still be my friend at the end of this and you’re a man of your word, right? I don’t want to lose you, Manny.”

She doesn’t want to lose the happy-go-lucky, go-with-the-flow Manny. Her friend Manny. But that’s it. When I tell her that I wantherin my life, then that’s not what she wants. I did promise her that and I am a man of my word. So even if I hate it, that’s what I’ll be. I’d rather be her friend and be in her life than be nothing at all. She wipes her tears under her eyes as she gives me a tentative half smile. She’s afraid I will say no. She’s afraid she’ll lose me and I rather lose myself than lose her.

“You’re right, Cara. I did promise to be your friend at the end of this, so that’s where we're leaving it now.” I pull her to me, kissing her on the forehead and swallowing those three words I’ve been dying to say all day.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers as the basket makes it back down, completing the ride and marking the end of our conversation. I was exactly what she needed, but now it’s over and I’m not in her plans anymore. Her perfectly curated bullet points don’t include me beyond tomorrow. Point taken. It’s funny, really.How something so simple, so innocent, can turn into something this heavy. Something I’ve carried with me every day without even realizing it—this longing, this wish that maybe, just maybe, before just wasn’t our time. That the years and the distance between us was just shaping us into who we are today and that I wasn’t too late in telling Cara how I feel. But the truth is, I’ve always been too late. I’ve watched her from the sidelines for so long that I’ve forgotten how much my heart desires her. And now that I finally crossed that line she doesn’t feel the same and there’s no point in stretching out longer. We had fun. She healed. And now we get to go our separate ways.

I will show Cara respect even if it means going against what I think is best for both of us. She spent twelve years in a relationship with someone who didn’t respect her or her wishes and I won’t be the one doing that to her. Even if it kills me. So I squeeze her shoulder as I step out of the basket, giving her my hand to help her come out. Guiding her out softly. I fall into a silent step next to her. There’s nothing else to say or do, so we might as well head home. I might as well drive her home.

35

WELCOME BACK

BEFORE YOU GO, LEWIS CAPALDI

Cara

The Bestie: Ronnie’s tomorrow?

The Badass: Lord yes. I have to train first but then I can. 8:00am? Is that too early for you Cara?

Me: 8:00 works

adds The Sweetie to the conversation

Me: Hey Nats, want to have breakfast tomorrow? I’M BACK!

The Sweetie: I can! I’ll leave Bella with her grandparents. Ronnie’s?

Me: Yup, 8:00am

The Sweetie: you’re waking up early on purpose?

I doubtI’ll even sleep,I think as the message comes through. We’re already in my neighborhood. We left the fairgrounds after the conversation and we’ve been in silence ever since. I opted to grab my phone and pretend I’m busy doing something because I don’t have it in me to continue talking to Manny. There were only so many words I could offer without telling him that I’m terrified of trying something more permanent with him just to not be enough or be able to compete against his job.

The music is playing softly in the background as Manny drives up my parents’ long entry road. If there’s something I love about living in Baker, it’s how every home has so much land before you even get to the actual house. My parents’ cars are in the driveway but no sight of Nellie’s. I was hoping she would be back home by now, but it looks like it’s just them and me tonight.

It’s already almost 11:00pm so I doubt they’re awake, and if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to talk to them tonight. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to lay my head on my pillow. Laying my body on the bed that has held me through so much, that has supported me as I cry myself to sleep more nights that I can count. The bed that has been there since I was in high school because my parents refuse to turn my room into anything else.You’ll always have a place to call homethey say, so they keep both of our rooms intact for us to crash into whenever we want.

---