Page 69 of The Road Sometimes Taken

Manny

This trip is comingto an end and I can feel the ominous decisions looming over us. Do I let her go? Do I keep my end of the deal and take Cara home, or do I tell her how I feel and hope she feels the same? I know she likes spending time with me but would that ever be enough for someone like her? Do I help her shine brighter like she deserves or will I dim her light when everything is said and done?

We were only five hours away from her house this morning but I took us down the back roads and up through a little town a couple of hours away from Baker where they have a fair. We’ve been here all afternoon, eating too much greasy food and riding all these carnival rides while the ticking time bomb follows us around, threatening to detonate at any point.

The fairgrounds’ atmosphere buzzes around us—music,children’s laughter and machines announcing winners everywhere. Even though the bright lights twinkle above, and the air is thick with the scent of cotton candy and fried dough, I can’t seem to find the joy in this moment. It’s hard to feel anything but dread, with a knot in my stomach thinking about Cara and leaving her at her house tomorrow, never looking back. Like I didn’t just learn what love was and now I’m supposed to move on like it didn’t happen. Like I didn’t learn what is like to truly live and not just go through life.

I glance at Cara, her face is illuminated by the neon glow of the carnival rides and she turns to face me, opening her eyes wide and pointing in front of her. “Oh. My. God. Look at the puppies!” She laughs and pulls me by my hand, her hair catching the light and flowing in the air, both pulling at my heartstrings with excitement and making my heart ache. I want to capture this moment and etch it into my memory forever, make it into a bracelet moment. Deep down, I know time is slipping away. Every second, every moment feels like a damn countdown. One laugh and I’m taken back to the day she set the rules. One look into her eyes reminds me of the inevitable. She wants this to end tonight and I don’t know how to fix it.

We weave through the crowd until we make it to the pen full of puppies with a sign that says, ‘Ready for a furever home.’ She asks the worker if we can play with them and when she nods, Cara opens the pen and lets us in.

“Hi puppies,” I say, holding out my hands to all the golden, brown, and black puppies. When they start swarming around me, I drop to the cold dusty ground. They crawl on my lap, reminding me how much I love dogs and how I’ve always wanted one.

“I knew you liked dogs after seeing you pet one everywhere we go, but I didn’t know that it was a sit-on-the-ground, let-them-lick-your-face kind of love,” Cara explains, picking apuppy of her own and snuggling it close to her face, never dropping her eyes from mine.

“I’ve always wanted a dog but moving all my life didn’t let it happen.”

“What about now?”

“Now? I don’t have the lifestyle I need to have a happy dog. I don’t want a dog that won’t see me ever or that will only get me for two hours at night.” I see there’s a line of kids waiting to enter the pen so I get up and offer my hand to Cara to help her up.

“Thank you,” I say to the girl waiting by the gate as we walk out and past the kids. We fall into an easy pattern, walking slowly toward the Ferris wheel. She tucks her hand into mine, intertwining her fingers and laying her head on my shoulder.

“Maybe now that you’ve taken a break from work… you could consider scaling back?” she asks.

If you’ll have me, I’ll take all the time,I want to reply, but I don’t. I just nod and walk us through the line waiting at the bottom of the Ferris wheel.

“Are you going back to work tomorrow?” she asks, stepping through the gate and waiting for me to hand our tickets to the worker. We get into one of the baskets, sitting next to each other, and I pull her under my arm.

“No, not tomorrow, but after that I will. I don’t think I’ll keep working the crazy hours I was, though. I don’t think that would fulfill me anymore, Cara.” I bring my hand to her face and pull her hands on my other one.

Her eyes sparkle when she looks at me as we ascend slowly, allowing time for other people to sit in the baskets below us. “What would fulfill you, Manny?” I don’t know if she asked that question knowingly. Can she see the turmoil in my eyes? The love? Can she see that I would live these three weeks ten times over if it meant I get to spend more time with her? Justwith her. “We spent so much time talking on this trip about me and so little about you, other than seeing how happy you seemed. What would makeyouhappy?” She grabs my baseball cap, flipping it backward and gives me a quick kiss.

It’s now or never. I’ve asked her over and over not to hide from me and now it’s my turn to do the same and tell her how I feel. “You,” I whisper against her lips.

“I—what?” she asks with confusion in her eyes. The light of the sunset reflects off her beautiful green eyes and I don’t know if it’s the yellow dress she’s wearing today, reminding me of the pure sunshine she is, or the fact she’s so close to home she can taste it but her eyes are so light today. Instead of deep green pools of emotions, today they feel like soft feathers flying in the air. Light. Airy. Safe.

“You would make me happy, Cara. You do, actually. Not only you being with me, but who I am when I’m with you. You’ve shown me so much in these three weeks. So much more than I’ve learned in my entire life. I’m a better person because of you and honestly I want that for more than just these three weeks.”

“Manny,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

“No, no, let me finish. You showed me how to enjoy and appreciate every moment, every hour, every minute, of every day and I want that for longer. I also want all your moments. I want to spend so many moments with you and turn them into memories together. I want to wake up next to you and cuddle under the stars. I want to hear how many names for street signs you have and how long you can dance before falling asleep in my arms. I want to spend more time getting to know you like nobody has ever known you before. I want to spend time showing you how easy it is to make you my priority. I just need you to let me.”

Two silent tears drop over her cheeks and her eyes findmine. “I know I don’t deserve you. I know I don’t deserve the moments you collect like these bracelets on your arm but let me show you I can earn them. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make more memories with you, Cara. If you let me.” I mean that with everything I have. Turning moments into memories with her might be the only purpose I have left in life. I want them all and I want them all with her.

The minutes pass and she stays quiet; speechless in a way I’ve never seen her before. Silent tears keep rolling and her skin turns blotchy as the sounds of the fair fade into the background. We start the descent and she still hasn’t said a word. If there’s anything that I’ve learned about Cara through the years is that she rather stay silent than say something that would be hurtful. She’s making the silence the answer I need.She doesn’t feel the same.

“Please say something, Carita.”

She tenses in front of me as my words hang soundlessly between us. I wanted to wait until the perfect moment to tell her how I feel, but there was never going to be a good moment if she didn't feel the same.

“I’m flattered, Manny, I am. You know how much I care about you and this trip was more than I could ever imagine.” Cara brings her hands to her eyes and wipes the tears off her face.

“I care about you too,” I reply.

“I had no expectations on these three weeks, Manny, but if I did, you would’ve surpassed them all. I forgot how happy I could be just doing the things that fill my cup and you gave me that back.”

“But…” I add because I can feel it coming and I want her to know that whatever it is she can trust me. Even if it breaks me in the process.

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