Page 8 of Pregnant By the Good Guy

“Try. We all know something is up, Mari. Look, tell me whatever is easiest to talk about. Then the harder stuff will come right out.” She smiles like she has just given me the answer to life, and I want to trust her. Mila has always been sweet, compassionate and all about us being there for one another. I have always felt I could trust her, it’s just not easy. So I take a deep breath and give it a shot.

“Okay. The truth is none of what I have to say is easy per say, but I guess this is the one you need to know anyway. I’m pregnant.” I say it and then hold my breath waiting for her response. She stares at me like she thinks I am going to laugh and say I am joking but when I don’t several different emotionsshow across her face, and I feel slightly deflated. “You’re probably wondering how I could be so stupid,” I whisper with tears falling down my face. She immediately looks mortified and begins shaking her head.

“No, I'm sorry. I am not judging you. I was just shocked and wondering if you are sure?” smiling, I nod my head.

“Yeah. I found out a month and a half ago.”

“Really? How far along are you?” It feels weird to be talking about this but also sort of good to be sharing it with someone.

“Four and a half months?” She doesn’t look like she believes me.

“How is that possible? I mean you…” I know what she is trying to say so instead I stand up and show her. Taking off my sweatshirt, I turn to the side and relax my core and my entire body exhales. I hear her gasp, but my own eyes are on my belly. Besides, I know what she is seeing. “Holy… I mean… Wow. How have you hid that?” she blurts out and then her hand covers her mouth. I giggle because I get it.

“I know right? I think at first I was in such denial. I knew for months, I think before having it confirmed by a doctor, but I was able to pretend and force myself to come up with another explanation for the missed periods, and the emotional moments and because I have so much other stuff happening, that I just kept overlooking it. I figured my body followed suit.”

“So what changed? I mean what made you pay attention?” Her voice gets lower and sort of weird when she asks that.

“I could only call the vomiting ‘flu-like symptoms’ for so long before I had to find out the truth. Finally, I went to the doctor, and she made me take a pregnancy test. It took less than two minutes for it to come back positive. By then I was three months along.” Almost as if I am alone, I rub my belly.

“I-I um…what about the father?” My body tenses when she asks that question. It occurs to me this question, this very one isthe reason I have hidden this so fiercely. I don’t want to have to answer this. Instead of addressing it, I frantically begin grabbing my coat and such needing to get away from the impending judgement. “Mari, wait. Did I say something?” She grabs my arms and gives it a gentle tug keeping me from running out. My brain is going in circles trying to figure out how to answer it without answering it.

“I haven’t told him, and I don't plan on it. I need to get away. Find somewhere to go where he can’t find me.” I need to be able to give this baby a better life and giving it up for adoption is the only way even though it is going to kill me. I ask for forgiveness every night from my baby for not being around when it is growing up. I try explaining my reasons, but it never feels sufficient.

“Does he hurt you, Mari? Is that what the bruises are from?” my head jerks up at first, my instinct to defend Royce because he would never but then it hits me, she is talking about James. Oh my gosh. Everyone still thinks we are together. That never dawned on me. But now…now this might be my saving grace. Better they think it is his and pity me then to know the truth, that I had a one-night stand with someone out of my league and have them thinking I am a gold digger. So instead of denying it, I nod my head thanking God the tears help shield my shame from lying. “Mari, why? Why haven’t you told anyone?”

“I grew up seeing it, listening to the cries and pleas and hearing the shattering glass and the impact of fists and flesh. It seemed normal, until the day I found out I was pregnant. I realized on that day two things; I can’t keep this baby, and I will not stay in this cycle my mom created. So, I contacted an adoption agency, and I have been saving money to disappear. Not just from him but from my home life too.”

“Do you need somewhere safe to stay, Mari? I can help you find a place. I mean you can come home with me if you want?” Her words are sincere and sweet.

“No, I will figure it out.”

“Okay listen, I don’t want to push you. Why don’t we do this? Next month boyfriend and I are going to a winter feast, sort of a thing put together by one of his friend’s mother who is a chef. How about you come with us? Hang out, have some fun and we talk some more about this. Okay?” I appreciate her giving me time to get comfortable with sharing information about my life. By next month I should be in a better headspace. Hopefully.

“Well, I don’t know…” As usual my first gut response is to decline and retreat into myself but here Mila is trying to be supportive, and a friend and I don't want to shove her face in it. “Alright. I will give you my address.” We exchange information since mine has changed. In some strange way I feel hopeful like I have been granted a hail Mary of sorts. I am not sure why I feel this way yet, but I will take it. It has been a while since I felt anything resembling happiness. Four and a half months to be exact.

CHAPTER 7

ROYCE

“Baby boy,is everything ready? Is the table set?” I smile at my mom because she is the most anal person asking me questions she knows the answer to.

“Of course, ma. I set it myself. All that’s left is for us to open the door and let them in.” Today is the day and I am excited for her, but I am also still so fucking bummed out. I haven’t found her, and it is killing me.

“Alright baby. Let’s do this.” She takes a deep breath and nods her head at the guy guarding the door. He opens it and people begin filling the room. Most of them I know. She invites friends and family to this winter feast, every year.

“Hey you. Yeah sure. I know thank you.” I am talking to people trying to be happy and jubilant when I feel anything but. I walk upstairs and grab some extra bottles of wine. On my way down I don’t see my mom anywhere. “Richie, where is my mom?”

“I think she is by the front door.” Nodding, I take the wine to the kitchen and walk that way. I see her hugging someone, but I don’t see their face.

“Hey, ma they are waiting for…oh hey Jacob. Glad you could make it. Jake, nice to see you again.” We shake hands and heturns back to my mom. He starts to speak and then his mouth snaps shut.

“Son, this is Mari, Mila’s friend.” For an endless amount of seconds I say nothing. I have to be hallucinating, right? I mean there is no way she is here, standing in front of me looking at me like she is seeing a ghost, not that I blame her.

She begins to fidget, obviously not sure if she should act like she knows me or not. Fuck that. Jacob touches her, I know to try to protect her. He stands a little in front of her and I have to stop the growl welling up inside of me.

“Take care of your own woman, Monroe. I got this one.” Out of the corner of my eye my mom is looking intrigued, shocked and then I see when she puts it together. “Let’s go.” I say to Mari and pull her into the back of the restaurant toward the office.

“Royce what?” She starts to say, but when I turn and look at her like don’t even try, she snaps her mouth shut. Once we are inside and the door is locked, I stand in front of it, both hands on the door, head bowed trying to get myself together. My girl, the one I have been searching for is here, in front of me and I can physically touch her. It’s too much. “Are you going to say something?” Her voice is a whisper. A tentative, unsure question. Turning, I look at her taking in her beauty.

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