Page 73 of Gin & Sin

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Compulsory Heterosexuality. Basically, it’s societal conditioning to default to straight and either ignore or simply not notice the signs that it might not be true. It’s common in older generations. We simply didn’t have the language or the examples to see ourselves. I was so young when I met my ex-wife. I barely even dated anyone else. It took so long for me to realize that the way I felt about men wasn’t straight.”

“Oh yeah. I didn’t know that was the term, but I had a lesbian friend who didn’t know until she was in her thirties because she just did what all the other women in her life did.”

“It’s more common than we realize. You convince yourself that your sex drive isn’t as high as your peers’, or that you’re not driven by physical lust. You tell yourself that the way you admire the muscled thighs of the guy jogging past you is a desire to be in better shape. When your dick gets hard when you look at a man, you tell yourself it’s because you haven’t had sex in a while. It’s like your brain refuses to see the obvious.”

“But you’re past that now. You’ve accepted your bisexuality. Or are you having doubts?”

“Not the doubts you might be thinking of. I’ve never had sex as intense and urgent and…” He pauses as his breath hitches. “Satisfying. It was so deeply satisfying. Everything about sex with you has been on a different level. It’s so much more than I’ve ever experienced. Even the way I feel when I think about you or look at you is different. It’s like feeling attraction and true desire for the first time.”

“Are you saying…” I stop myself short when Stewart nods.

“It’s what I was saying before. I think I might not be bisexual at all. I think I might be gay, and I didn’t know. I didn’t know sex and attraction could feel like this, and it’s…” He shakes his head, slowly smiling. “It’s a marvel, Kit. I thought I was broken. I had sex because she wanted to. It was always because she wanted to. I didn’t hate it. It wasn’t that. It was just pleasant. Sweet. It felt nice to come.” He swallows hard, sitting up straighter and grabbing my hand. “But I didn’t crave it. I didn’t think about it when it was over. I didn’t see random women on the street or at work or on TV and lust after them. I never felt that until I accepted my attraction to men. Until I noticed how admiring aman’s body lit me up. How my dick finally got hard just from thinking about sex with men.”

“Aw, babe. That’s amazing.”

“Then I met you. I got my hands on a real live man and my center of gravity shifted. I think about sex all the time. I think about you and the way your cock feels on my tongue and now how it feels inside of me. I remember the way you kiss me and the way your strong hands touch me. Iwantsex. It’s so different. I don’t look at women, now or ever, the way I look at men.”

“How does it make you feel? Does it feel right saying gay versus bisexual?”

He tilts his head as if thinking about my question. His eyelids flutter as his eyes turn glassy. I sit up, holding his knees to scoot closer.

“Hey. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”

“I know.” He clears his throat. “I tell my students all the time that the labels society wants to assign don’t matter, and the only thing that does is what you feel is right. For some that means a label isn’t important. Or it’s fluid. For others, it’s important for their identity to align with something.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

“I’m realizing right now, right this second, that bisexual didn’t feel quite right. Gay feels…” His eyes flicker up to mine. “It feels amazing, Kit. It feels like a perfectly tailored suit made just for me.” He wipes at his damp eyes. “Wow.”

I cup his face, now fully seated between his legs. “I’m happy for you. I can’t imagine how good you feel right now.”

“I can’t even describe it. I’ve never been chained or imprisoned, but maybe it’s like that and then being set free.”

Leaning in, I kiss him hard, then press our foreheads together. “It’s fucking awesome witnessing this. You deserve it.”

“I think I wanted to be bi. Maybe it felt safer or explained why I married a woman.”

“You loved her. That’s a good reason.”

“I did love her, yes. I loved her so much I ignored a huge part of who I was. I denied her a man who could be all she wanted.”

“No, Stewart. I won’t let you do that to yourself. You fell in love with a person, your best friend, and you did your best. Lots of marriages don’t make it, sexuality aside, and the fact that you guys were together as long as you were is a testament to that love.”

“Yeah. You’re right. Her life could’ve been different, but maybe not better.”

“Exactly. You loved her as hard as you could. Hell, you even agreed to something you didn’t want to make her happy.”

He nods. “I guess I just feel guilty.”

“How could you accept what you didn’t even know? Come on, Professor. You know better.”

He laughs softly. “You’re right. I do. I’m well versed in the intricacies of sex and gender and sexuality.”

“So now it’s about forgiveness and acceptance. You can’t change the past. All you have is now.”

Stewart gazes at me for a second before launching himself at me and attacking my mouth. As he climbs onto my lap, water splashes over the side, and I laugh in surprise but return his eager kiss, gripping his ass cheeks as our cocks brush together under the bubbles.

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