Page 56 of Gin & Sin

“Oh, Kit.”

“This went on for years, spiraling until I was deep in a hole of my own digging. My performance was suffering. I was on the verge of eviction because I was spending so much on onlinegames, I was behind in my rent. I was rail thin because I was so caught up in it that I wasn’t eating. My uncle noticed and called my parents. Next thing I know, I’m on leave and attending a program.”

“Holy Hemingway,” Stewart whispers, bringing a slight smile to my face.

“Yeah. I’m thankful as fuck for that. Who even knows where I’d be if it wasn’t for them.”

We’re both quiet for a few moments until Stewart says, “You don’t need to feel shame for that.”

I nod, setting my jaw. “I… I hurt people. Lots of people. My parents gave me a huge loan so I could start climbing out of the hole I’d made. Then my uncle’s business got bought out and even though I had a position in the new company, I was demoted. That happened again and again, and I never gained the recognition or position I wanted. I spent nearly twenty years running in mud.”

I blow out a breath.

“The part that sucks the most though, is that I knew I would fail. It’s all I’ve ever heard from teachers, other adults, even my parents in a way.”

“No.”

I huff a dark chuckle. “There was one person I dated who mattered to me. It wasn’t love, but it was…” I pause, searching for words. “I wanted him to see me. Really see me. Everyone else, rightfully so, saw me as the fuckboi I was. No substance, nothing to offer but a good face and a decent dick.”

“Kit…”

“It’s fine. That’s all I wanted, except with him. It’s hard to describe. It’s not like I suddenly wanted to settle down or fall in love, but I wanted to be wanted for something more, I guess.”

“You wanted his validation.”

My breath hitches as the truth hits me. “Yeah. I think that’s it.”

“What’s his name?”

“Christian. He was ten years younger and managed to stomp all over me.”

“How?”

“I met him at a bar one night. He danced there, and I was absolutely mesmerized the second I saw him. I had an unhealthy obsession with twinks. The prettier and meaner they were, the better.”

Stewart offers a slight smile.

“We fucked in the dressing room that night, which was something I wasn’t used to.”

“What? The public part?”

“No, going straight to anal when you don’t even know someone. But Christian was pure sex. To date, the horniest guy I’ve ever known.”

I avoid Stewart’s eyes for this next part.

“It was nonstop. We got it on daily, everywhere we could get our hands on each other. Slowly, my world began revolving around him. He was so cold to me, so distant and dismissive. I craved his moans and pleas to make him come. It felt like I was the only person who could unravel him like that and see behind his icy exterior.” I shake my head at the bitter memories. “But I never even saw a crack. I convinced myself I was more to him than I was.”

“What happened?”

“I tried to lock him down. I wanted to be the only one for him. The deadly sin was when I told him how I felt about him. I never declared love or anything that insane, but I wanted him all for myself.”

My chest tightens with the humiliating memories flowing through me. Even my eyes sting with the threat of tears.

“Then what?” Stewart asks, touching my hand.

“Remember what I said earlier? How sometimes people say things that live in your head no matter what you do?”

“Yes.”

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