Page 55 of Gin & Sin

“It’s not pretty, Stewart, but I want you to know. All I can do is hope you don’t run once you do.”

NINETEEN

KIT

I can’t believeI’m on the verge of saying words out loud that have haunted me for years. I haven’t told a soul. Not my family and not the guys. Not even Indy. I could never bring myself to do it, even when I wanted so desperately to be understood and comforted. Now I’m about to pour my heart out to a man I barely know, but there’s just something about Stewart that feels safe.

He’s gazing at me with the kindest eyes and softest smile, comforting me without saying a word. Having him here in my space, in my bed, is nice. Better than nice.

“Want to move to the couch?” I ask.

Stewart nods, standing and drawing my attention to his naked form. For a moment, all my chaotic thoughts about the past decade fade into the background as desire floods my body, desperate for another taste of this gorgeous man.

I shake my head to push the clouds of lust away as I follow him. There will be plenty of time for sex, but the need to get this off my chest is more pressing.

Stewart settles in a corner of the couch, tucking his legs under him. I pull the throw blanket off the back and cover his lap even though I don’t want to. I sit close by, draping the remainder of the blanket over my own lap.

We sit in silence while I conjure the nerve to spill. Stewart’s presence is warm and steady, wrapping me in his non-judgmental energy.

“Okay, so after college I moved to California. I was pumped to try life on a different coast where the weather was warm. I had a good opportunity to make decent starting money. My uncle owns a gaming company.”

Stewart nods, indicating he’s listening.

“Needless to say, the other coders weren’t too excited about having a nepo baby on board, so even though my uncle didn’t treat me differently, they were convinced I was a mole. They gave me all the shit projects to do, hoping I would fail.”

I play with the fringe on the edge of the blanket.

“But I had too much to prove and too much arrogance to give in. I worked my ass off. I made contacts all over the world to figure it out, and I resolved two of the seven outstanding projects. I thought they would respect me, you know?”

“They didn’t?”

“No. Made it worse. They whispered that my uncle did it or I paid someone else to unlock it. They resented the attention I got for solving two broken codes that had been collecting dust for years. They weren’t even active games anymore. It was busy work for a newbie.”

Dragging my hand through my beard, I gaze off as memories of those humiliating days come back like sheets of heavy rain.

“My uncle told me it was like that for all the new coders. A type of initiation, if you will. But, man, I didn’t handle it well. I started to drink too much to cope, and when that didn’t help, I smoked a ton of weed. That didn’t help either.”

When I look back at Stewart, his expression has shifted into one of concern. With his brow creased and a slight frown, he rubs my knee.

“I can hold my liquor,” I continue. “Overusing substances wasn’t dulling the ache at all. So I went on a sex spree. For almost a year, I fucked every person in my path who said yes.”

I want to look away from his accepting eyes, but his gaze feels too good. Too warm.

“You didn’t hurt anyone, right?”

“No. All my partners wanted to, but I didn’t see them as people, you know? I saw them as…” I shrug. “Means to an end? It sounds so shallow now. I expected to walk into this job and dazzle everyone with my youthful energy and modern skill set, but I was just another guy. I was lonely without my friends, and my uncle kept his distance to avoid negative perceptions.”

Stewart nods. “That’s a lot at a young age.”

“I guess. It gets worse though. I had a pregnancy scare with this woman I had been with a few times. She was intent on keeping it, and here I was, this twenty-six-year-old kid facing being a dad. That drove my sex drive into the ditch. It was a false alarm, but what a fucking wake-up call.”

“Yikes.”

“I swore off sex.” I chuckle darkly. “But I needed an outlet. I started online gambling.” A flash of heat floods my body and I clear my throat. “That’s where things really went off the rails.”

“What do you mean?”

“It felt so safe at first. No substances to fuck with my head. No other humans to risk life-altering events with. Just me and my phone or my computer and a friendly round of poker or blackjack. Eventually, it bled into my work life. I was staying up too late and missing my alarms. I was missing details because I was tired.”

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