Page 74 of Something Blue

I don’t even know what I’m doing.

I’m rabid. Psychotic. Screaming and hitting at nothing and everything.

It takes three of them to toss me out into the curbside. I roll onto my side, breathing heavily.

I can smell the alcohol on my breath.

Pushing myself to my feet I laugh with manic anger. The bottle store across from the club is still open so I stagger inside and buy a bottle of vodka. I will numb this pain. I don’t care how much I have to drink to make that happen. I can’t feel like this. I can’t bear it. I have to stop this ache in my chest, in my stomach, in my arms and legs.

I tear the bottle top off as soon as I step back out onto the streets.

Downing half the bottle in one breath.

Someone walks past and asks me if I’m trying to kill myself.

“Yes.” I hiss. “Yes, I deserve to die. And without her there is no reason to live, anyway.” I snarl at him and he steps away from me with his hands in the air. “Fuck sakes buddy. Fine.” He hurries away and I stagger towards my car with the open bottle in my hand.

Yanking the door open I catch a whiff of her.

Her scent trapped inside my car. I fall to my knees on the pavement, clutching at my chest.

The pain is too much.

I can’t get into the car.

I can’t be anywhere she has been.

How can I lie in our bed tonight when I will be able to smell her on the pillows?

I stand up and sway as I stare into the car.

Fuck this.

Fuck the universe and fuck the indescribable pain I feel in my body.

I throw the bottle of vodka into the car and it smashes abasing the inside of the passenger door. I dig around in my pocket, looking for my zippo.

One strike. A flame dances in my hand.

Perhaps I understand why Rufino did what he did.

I toss the lighter into the car and a heat wave explosion throws me off my feet.

Sitting on the sidewalk I watch the flames consume the inside of my car.

Thick smoke starts to pour out of the open driver’s door.

I can’t stop laughing.

It’s so beautiful.

It’s so destructive.

I want to throw myself into those flames so that they can consume my pain, but I can’t move.

Hands grab at me, dragging me away from the wall of heat pouring from the car.

“What the fuck, are you ok? What happened?”

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