Page 41 of Something Blue

“I’m going out.” I mutter, grabbing my handbag from the edge of the table where he’s sitting. He doesn’t reply. He doesn’t look at me. I am invisible to him. Like I don’t matter at all.

I wish someone would see me. For me. Not for what role I can play in the media to make our family look better. Just forme. A living breathing person with dreams and ideas and -a heart.

A heart that wants nothing more than to be loved.

As I walk back towards my car, ignoring the reporters screaming questions from outside the security gates, I think about Damion. Our marriage would not have lasted long. He is another cog in the political wheel. There was no love there. I tried to pretend. I tried to convince myself because I so desperately wanted my life to experience some joy. Something that was only for me.A man who adored me.But I knew he was not that man and somewhere inside me I also accepted that the marriage wouldbe a nightmare. A clinical, strategic nightmare of a life. The perfect wife. The perfect marriage. But on the inside it would be cold and heartless.

I tug my door open and climb into the car.

I want passion. I want to feel something. I want someone who would fight for me, who would do crazy things to win me over and to keep me and to make me smile.

I want -Celso.

I shake my head, sighing as I start the engine.

I’m losing my mind.

I’ve lost my father. I’ve lost my brother. I’m so utterly alone.

I slam my hand against the hooter and rev the car, letting it jerk forward when the reporters won’t get out of the way so I can leave.

They are pressed up against my windows like savages. Cameras and microphones pointed at me. I rev again and think ‘fuck this’ as I slam the car into gear and drive.

Someone screams and people jump out of the way. I giggle as I escape their lockdown of bodies.Glancing in the rearview I can see everyone is fine, flustered and taken by surprise. Good. They are vultures. Nothing more.

I drive, not having any idea where I’m going - I want to get away from here. Somewhere far. Somewhere where no one knows me.

Of course, that’s impossible. People know my face several states over. I could drive for three days straight and not be anonymous.

My phone beeps and I glance at the screen.

A message from an anonymous number. Someone not in my phone book.

Unknown: I miss you. Are you doing ok? I’m sorry about what happened to your father.

I grab the phone and type a quick response, knowing that driving and texting is a terrible idea.

Me: Who is this?

Unknown: The man who you belong to. The only man in the world who can make you happy.

I shake my head, but I’m grinning. The audacity of this man is astounding. He is relentless. It’s like he refuses to give up no matter what is happening around him.

Pulling over to the side of the road because now I’m way too distracted to drive, I type my reply.

Me: Celso, how did you even get this number?

Celso: Anything is easy to find when you want it badly enough.

Me: You can’t always get what you want. That’s not how the world works.

Why am I smiling so much?

Celso: Watch me, angel. I always get what I want. And whatI want is you.

I toss my phone onto the passenger seat, forcing myself to end this conversation. I can’t play games like this. I can’t flirt with him. He’s not good for me.

But my heart is beating too fast and I’m smiling so much my cheeks are hurting.

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