Page 114 of The Way We Score

“I don’t know.” I feel so foolish saying these fears out loud.

“Come on, Liv. You can’t keep this stuff from me. I’m here to help.”

Moving out of his arms, I go to the side of the pool, resting my eyes against the back of my hands as I confess. “I’m a freaking whale. I know it’s mostly baby, but after so many years of being in complete control of my body, all through my dancing days, to see it changing this way is really disorienting. I wonder every day if I’ll ever be the way I was before, and I’m pretty sure I won’t.”

Quiet falls around us. The waterfall at the opposite end of the pool typically creates a restful ambiance, but tonight it feels very far away.

Garrett drifts closer to where I’m standing with my back to him. “Would you believe me if I tell you you’re adorable?”

My shoulder rises in a shrug.

He slides a finger down the side of my arm. “Well, you are. You’re actually giving all the guys baby fever. All except Hendrix, of course. And Jack, I guess.”

“I’m not thinking about them.” My voice is quiet, and I hate the twist of anxiety in the middle of my back.

“Who are you thinking about?”

Another beat of silence. I’m not accustomed to saying stuff like this out loud. I’ve always been strong, managed my emotions, and placed feelings like these in their appropriate boxes.

My chin dips, and I cringe so hard. “My vagina will never be the same after I have this baby. My breasts are going to be all full of milk…”

The finger on my arm turns to a hand sliding across my back. “It’ll be different for a little while, but that’s okay.”

“It’ll be a lot different.” I rest my forehead on the back of my hands again.

“Come on, Liv.” His voice is warm, and he moves closer. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

“I’m never going to be the same, and you’re never going to want to have sex with me again.”

He moves back slightly, looking at me like I’ve lost it. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yes.” My voice is pouty. “You want me tight and muscular and young, and after I give birth to this giant watermelon baby, my body will be all stretched out and ruined, and you’ll never want me again. It won’t feel the same, and?—”

“Stop.” His tone is firm. “Look at me.” Touching my chin, he lifts my head so I have to meet his fierce blue eyes. “I would never say this to you, Liv. You know how much I respect you, and how much I think you’re smart and a badass…”

“Just say it.” I’m feeling shame, fear, loss, and I can’t stop the tear that hits my cheek.

“You’ve lost your fucking mind if you think I’ll ever stop wanting to fuck your brains out. Are you kidding me? You’re having my baby, Liv. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever been a part of.”

“You say that now…”

“I’ll say that always, even when we’re on baby number five.”

“Number five?”

A hint of a smile curls his lips. “I gave up believing I’d get a second chance with you when you married that douche in Birmingham. I went out that night and got so drunk…” His chin drops. “Logan didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. Nobody did. But I knew it was my fault, and I’d lost the best thing I ever had.”

“You never lost me.” My voice is quiet. “I never stopped loving you, Garrett. As much as I thought I could move onwith my life, I knew if I ever saw you again… I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“Hey.” Large hands cover my shoulders, and he pulls me closer. “All that’s past now. We’re here. We made it, and I’m so fucking happy. I’m not going to let you be afraid to have my baby.”

Pressing my lips together, I don’t know how to break it to him. I’m terrified. I’m not just afraid of the tearing. I’m afraid I’ll barf everywhere when the first contraction hits. I’m afraid I’ll poop myself when the baby comes out.

I’m afraid of all the horror stories I’ve heard, and I’m certain they’re all going to come true in the most humiliating way possible.

“I’m afraid you’ll never think I’m sexy again.”

His lips part, and he exhales a laugh, shaking his head and looking up at the trees. “I don’t know how to tell you I can’t even imagine what would have to happen for that to be true. If anything, you’re more beautiful to me every day.”

---