Page 123 of Filthy Little Games

“Fix what, exactly? What am I supposed to do? Walk away from all my responsibilities here in New York for a woman I barely know? It’s not like she can come back when Saint is about to start a war with the Sannas, and we’ll be forced to choose sides,” I remind him. “Oh, not to mention, we’re going to take out Bowen Bertelli. And if we live through all that, it’s only a matter of time before we’re convicted of gun possession and sent off to prison for three-and-a-half years!”

“You don’t think Zara would wait three years for you, or come see you during visitation days?” Lorenzo sounds skeptical, as if he’s so certain that Zara would be up for that shit.

“No. I don’t fucking know.”

“You still don’t trust her,” he says.

“It’s not about trust. Zara will always choose her daughter over me and the mafia lifestyle, and I can’t blame her.”

“Did you send her divorce papers?” Dre asks.

“Yes.” Signing those papers was one of the hardest things I had to do. Killing people is a hell of a lot easier than signing away the marriage to the woman I love.

“Has she returned them yet?” Tristan questions.

“Not yet. It takes a while, though, for shit to come back from Italy.”

“Really? You think that’s why she hasn’t returned them yet?” Lorenzo comments, his brow furrowed with skepticism. “It’s okay to be happy, to live your life even if Carmine can’t live his.”

“Look,” Dre starts. “I know Carmine wasn’t just your brother, but he was your best friend, one of the few people who could giveyou hell without you blowing a hole through his head. I was jealous of how close you two were. And I know that if Carmine were here, he would tell you to suck up your pride and do whatever you need to do to be happy.”

“That’s basically what he said the night of the raid when Zara called me over to warn me, and I was being stubborn,” I admit.

“You said Carmine told you to thank him in your wedding toast for not stealing her, right?” Dre says.

“Yeah, he did.”

Lorenzo grins. “I’m not surprised he knew you would end up with her. And you did marry her. Then you shipped her off.”

“The farther away from me Zara can get, the safer her and Oriana will be,” I remind them. “This world of ours is too unforgiving for their innocent souls.”

“I thought you said Zara was tougher than she looked,” Dre remarks. “Did you ever ask her what she wanted? If she thought your world is too cruel? Did she tell you she didn’t want any part of the mafia lifestyle?”

“No, but —”

“Then fuck off,” he interrupts me. “Zara seemed smart and tough enough to make her own damn decisions, and you know it.”

“She’d have to be both to endure seven years of abuse by the Rovinas. I don’t want to cause her any more pain.”

“Well tough shit!”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re never going to stop worrying about Zara whether or not she’s in your life, right? She could be in pain right now over in Italy, and you wouldn’t know it nor could you do anything about it, which is what’s going to drive you fucking insane. So why not just figure out a way to get her back, and not let a hypothetical war keep you from being happy for the first time in your life?”

Dre’s not wrong.

I have been going crazy with worry. Not just about physicalharm, but how Zara is doing as she becomes a full-time mother to Oriana and how much she’s probably doubting herself in the role. I wish I was there to see her and her daughter together, to reassure her she’s an amazing mother. To confess, I’m so certain of that fact that I wanted her to be the mother of my children someday.

“So, you three think I should go to Italy and ask Zara what she wants?”

“Yes,” they answer simultaneously.

I stare out at the city, thinking the idea over for several long, silent moments.

Finally, I turn back to Dre, Tristan, and Lorenzo. “Say I show up and ask Zara and her daughter to come back with me. Then what do I do when shit goes down with the families? Send them away every single time there’s a problem?”

“You kept the peace in the city for ten years. Carmine’s death was horrible, but it was the first in what, a decade or more?” Dre asks.

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