Page 131 of Gunner

“I’m not here about Winter. From everything I’ve seen, he’s a willing participant, so like I said, it’s none of my business.”

“Then why don’t you be clearer about your business?”

I placed my hands on the arms of the chair and leaned forward. “You want clearer? Okay, here goes. I’m fucking the chief of police. Yeah, that’s bad. We know all the risks involved with his career, but that’s not the big problem between us. He found out that I knew we were both sleeping with the previous police chief, and I got together with him under false pretenses. Recently, he received our common lover’s journal, which details the betrayal. Now he won’t allow me to touch him anymore. I feel like he’s punishing me for what Mason did, but that’s not fair. He cheated on me too, so why should I be the one to suffer?”

“I see.” He took a pen and scribbled on a piece of paper like he was drawing a diagram. “The previous chief of police is now deceased, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re both left to handle this without him being able to give his account of the story? That’s a side you’ll both never be able to hear fully. Can you put that behind you?”

“I already have.”

“Have you? Or are you hanging on to Chief Witter because he provides some sort of connection between you and your dead lover?”

“Fuck no.”

“Because you know, that could be your way of coping with that trauma. By seeking someone he was close to.”

I curled my hands into fists. “Ben’s nothing like Mason.”

“How so?”

“Mason was always cold and detached. Even in bed, he kept a part of himself from me. I could never be sure of what he was feeling. He always wanted to maintain a good image, and for that, he was willing to sacrifice everything else. Friendship. Love.” My stomach twisted as the truth I’d been hesitant to see spilled out. “Mason was selfish.”

“And Ben?”

“He has the kindest heart of any man. He’s sweet, sexy but can also be a total badass if pushed. Ben doesn’t shy away from our relationship, and he doesn’t treat me like a side piece.”

He was also cuddly, which I didn’t think I’d like, but I’d enjoyed waking up to him spooning me or with his arm thrown around my waist, his head on my shoulder. Ben made me feel present in our relationship. Like he saw me. He opened up and told me about his dark secret. And I still kept things from him.

“You love him—Ben,” Reverend Homer said.

I’d avoided using the “L” word even in my thoughts, but he pushed me to acknowledge it. Ben was the one because I loved him. What else would I be doing in a church, trying to figure out how to move past the ghost keeping us apart?

“Have you told him how you feel?” Reverend Homer asked. “From what you say, this common man cheated on you both. You can easily put it behind you because you’ve known for quite some time, but Ben’s still processing the feelings people have when they’ve been cheated on. He might question how desirable he is, how unwanted the cheating makes him, and that sense of betrayal of whether he can trust anyone again. Is there anything else you’re leaving out?”

I inhaled deeply. “I think at the end of the book, Mason wrote he had to choose, and he chose me.”

“Then that must be devastating for Ben. You see, right this minute, he’s not seeing you as the man he’s in a relationship with but as the rival of a love he lost.”

“I don’t know what to do, but I want to fix it.”

“He’s vulnerable. You’re going to have to bring his focus away from the past and his hurt, and back to your relationship.”

34

BEN

Ben wants us to stop using condoms. It would be easier to agree and avoid an argument, but I can't do that to him and Gunner.

The first day back at work confirmed my worst expectations: a nightmare masquerading as a regular workday. Mason, shot once and benched at home for a month, had returned to a hero’s welcome—balloons, cake, football tickets, and a card overflowing with well-wishes. My comeback garnered a halfhearted card, signed by only a few.

It sealed my decision to leave.

What was the use of staying somewhere I wasn’t wanted? Mason had made the years at the police station worthwhile. He’d taken me on as a partner when no one else wanted to work with me. Over the years, I’d thought I’d proven myself enough for the other cops to see me as an equal, but they didn’t. They still considered me the outsider whose only option to stay on the force had been to return to the town I’d left in my early twenties, determined to run away from the horrors of my past. Now thatMason was gone, they barely tolerated me, even when I was their superior.

I didn’t need this shit. Not from them. Not from Mason. And sure as hell not from Gunner. I was done with staying in toxic places where I tried to fit in but ended up being unwanted.

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