Page 11 of Teacher of the Year

“‘Carry a tune’ sounds like I’m mediocre. My voice is better than passable.”

“Marvin, just because your students shower you with frivolous compliments and tell you to audition forThe Voicedoesn’t mean you’re amazing. They’re five. They pick their noses. And eat it. Their taste is questionable at best.”

“Fair.”

“And we’re done. Now start rating.”

She returns my phone from its short hostage stint, and I start perusing candidates. Tasked with giving each one a quick thumbs-up or thumbs-down, I flick away. If the other person and I both give a thumbs-up, a match is made, and we can message and arrange a date. Supposedly, SWISH appeals to those looking to date more than quick hookups, but I’m skeptical. As I investigate the first candidate, Jill’s husband Nick arrives, spots us, and jogs over.

A bear of a guy well over six feet tall, Nick towers over Jill. She literally has to get on her tippy-toes to kiss him. It’s ridiculously cute. At their wedding, when the officiant finally said, “You may now kiss the bride,” much to the delight of the guests, Jill’s sister pushed a waiting chair over so Jill could hike her dress up and climb on it for the grand kiss. Even though he’s huge, he manages to be gentle with her. Above all else, Nick is a complete mensch.

“Hey babe.” Nick sits and kisses the top of her head. “Marvin.” He holds his fist out for a bump.

“What? No kiss for me?” I ask.

These dude-bro greetings aren’t my cup of tea, but I know Nick’s intentions come from the right place. This man asked me to cut in during the first dance at their wedding because “you dance much better than me.” And he’s not wrong. Of course, a duck with two left feet would dance better than poor, rhythmically challenged Nick. He may be a man of few words, but he’s never been anything but warm and sweet to me.

“We’re trying to find Marvin a boyfriend.”

It never fails to tickle me how Nick jumps right in to join in her shenanigans, even if those shenanigans involve attempting to set up man-on-man action. Unfortunately, in my experience, most straight guys aren’t as comfortable and confident as Nick in their sexuality. With Shania Twain featuring prominently on his Spotify year in review, you know he’s more than okay.

“Are there any single dads you could date?” Nick asks.

“Stop!” I put my hand up, halting Jill from rehashing the preposterous idea of Olan Stone.

“Nick-Nick, we’re looking on SWISH because Marvin isn’t interested in any single, extremely handsome dads. Even if the dad of his new student is a total snack.”

“A snack, eh? More of a snack than me?” He raises his eyebrows and looks both silly and charming.

“Buddy, you’re not a snack. You’re a complete meal,” I say because flirting with Jill’s gorgeous husband scratches my I’m-lonely-but-don’t-want-the-drama-of-dating itch.

Nick’s eyes go sideways. I can almost see a lightbulb pop over his head.

“Marvin, if he’s so hot, you should date him.”

“Yes, because hotness supersedes everything when it comes to dating potential.”

I point to my phone in an attempt to distract them and divert their attention.

“Look, this guy seems nice enough?”

The guy I’m looking at, white with a shaved head and a thick chestnut beard, appears kind enough. There’s no doubt he’s handsome. Jill grabs the phone out of my hands.

“Let me see. Vincent M. Sexy bald head. Green eyes, wait, maybe they’re hazel. Okay, let’s see. Pro: can fall asleep anywhere. Con: will fall asleep anywhere.”

“Sure, having a guy fall asleep on me during a date will do wonders for my self-esteem.”

“Wait. Pro: loves trying new foods. Con: will eat off your plate.”

“Oh no, that’s a deal-breaker for me. I do not share food well. You know that.”

“This is true. You slapped my hand away that one time I tried to take a crab rangoon. Just make sure you order a lot.”

“Um, okay.”

As I was growing up, my mom’s drinking made it hard for her to keep a steady job. We weren’t well off, and food was sometimes scarce. School lunches saved my scrawny ass for much of my youth. In addition to a host of other issues from my childhood, I do not fancy sharing food.

“Hold on, hold on. Last one. Pro: loves caring for fish. Con: allergic to cats and dogs.”

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