Page 83 of Hold on Tight

He raised his hand and called out to Sam, “I’m going to take off now, Sam—see you around, bud? We’ll do something special soon.”

He felt her there, watching him, but she didn’t move, didn’t say a word, as he started up the street.

“I thought he was going to stay with us?” he heard Sam say behind him, and it felt like someone was ripping his heart clear out of his chest. And he was pissed, so pissed at Mira, so pissed at himself all of a sudden, shocked by the depth of his rage, because no one had ever managed to tell Sam that familyhurtyou, thatfamilysucked.

She watched him go, watched him trot up the street. The hitch in his step, the slight unevenness, was barely noticeable. So that if you didn’t know how broken he was inside, the way he moved through the world would never clue you in.

Thank God she hadn’t saidI love you, hadn’t left her pride scattered all over that beach, although damn, it didn’t matter now, because her pride was scattered all over her street, and Aaron had seen it, too, seen her chase after him. She hoped she hadn’t looked as pathetic as she’d felt, following him up the street, thinking,What thehelljust happened here?Because it was one thing for her to hold him at arm’s length, to keep some space between them, to keep things simple, and another thing entirely for him tohand her to Aaron on a silver platter.

As if none of it had happened. Not the wild sex on the log, not the long moment when she’d held him, both of them suspended in the weird magic they’d created, when she’d understood that loving Jake was a lose-lose proposition and that her only hope lay in not letting him know exactly how much she did love him. And not the moments that had come afterward when he’d laid himself bare to her, when he’d cried in her arms and she’d understood that it was as impossible for him to truly hold himself back as it was for her.

Yet he’d somehow held enough of himself back that he could walk away from her. Just walk away, as if he were the—the fucking babysitter.

And she had let him, because if her life had proved anything to her so far, it was that Jake was only her fantasy. And the realer he became, the faster and farther he slipped away.

He was not for her.

She turned and saw Aaron still standing beside his car, but the hand that held the velvet box had dropped to his side in defeat.

Huh. What had he seen? Whatever it was, it had told him that Mira’syeswas far from assured.

She walked back toward him. Maybe that was the end of it. Maybe she wouldn’t have to say the hard word,No. Maybe he would surrender and walk away, and she could take Sam inside and nurse his hurt feelings and cry herself to sleep.

But no, things weren’t going to be that easy for her. The world wasn’t that kind.

“Think about it,” Aaron said. His handsome forehead was lined with confusion and concern. “I don’t want you to give me an answer right now. Take your time.”

“Aaron,” she said. “I’m not going to marry you.”

Because for all the things she didn’t know, there were some she did know.

“Please,” he said. “Don’t be hasty. I’m here. I have interviews on Wednesday. I have appointments set up with Realtors for Thursday and Friday. I should at least go through with all that. And give me this week. Give me a little time to convince you I’m for real.”

She shook her head. “I’m not going to change my mind.”

“Mommy.”

Sam was shaking her arm. He looked an awful lot like he was about to cry, and she prayed, for his sake and her own, that he would hold it together until she could get rid of Aaron. “Is Jake still going to babysit this week?”

“Oh,fuck,” she said aloud, and then clamped her hand to her mouth.

“Mommy, that’s the worst bad word,” Sam pointed out.

“Do you need someone to watch him?” Aaron asked. “Tomorrow, Tuesday, Wednesday? I was going to play tourist while you were at work—I can just as easily play tourist with Sam in tow.”

“No,” she said, at the same time Sam said, “Yes!” and then, with a little more caution, “Did you bring me Legos?”

“Yes, I did, buddy!”

Aaron always spoke to Sam in that slightly simpering, exclamation-mark-ridden voice, and Mira for the first time registered how much shehatedit.

“Can we play with them?”

“We’ll see,” Aaron said, which Mira knew was code forWe’ll see if your mother can be reasonable and let me babysit you when she knows she needs me to.

“Let me know,” Aaron said. “I’m here, I’m willing—it’s gotta be easier than finding another sitter.”

Yes. So much easier. And that was the goddamned thing, her undoing. This was exactly who she had meant to avoid becoming, a woman who once again had proved that she was incapable of taking care of herself. Who let men weasel their way into her life, one act of salvation at a time.

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