Page 91 of Holding Out

“I am being reasonable, Griff.I know what I saw.”

“You—God, Becca!You know what you saw?You saw what you wanted to see.You never feel like you deserve to be happy.You never feel like you’re good enough.You never feel like you deserve anyone to love you, so you take one look at the situation and you see what you need to see so you can run far and fast in the other direction.Damn it!”The words spilled out in a hot, angry slew, before he could stop them.He was so hurt and so mad and so frustrated, and he could see it all—the note in his hand and the empty living room, and his dorm room full of his useless shit, and how good it had once been and how bad it had felt tonight when torpor had pinned him to that ugly chair.“I can’t do this again!I can’t be with someone who isn’t enough of an adult to know what she wants.”

He’d stunned her, he could see.And hurt her.He wanted to take the words back as soon as they’d left his mouth—

But he couldn’t.And he wouldn’t, because they were true.

He knew he’d lost her even before she started shaking her head.

He stood there, panting, and she stood there, looking back at him, her eyes full of hurt and her teeth worrying that sweet, plump lower lip, and she didn’t have to tell him that it was over.

But she did, anyway.

“No,” she said.“No.You’re wrong about me, Griff.For the first time, I know I’m good enough, and I’m going to treat myself like I deserve the best.And in this case?”

Her hair shone in the moonlight, and her eyes were blazing, and she was possibly the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“It means I won’t set myself up for failure.”

And she turned and ran back to the house.

43

They were all in the kitchen when she came back, starting to dish the dinner into bowls and pull out serving spoons and carry things to the table.They looked up from what they were doing, took her in, and did their best to look away.All except for Alia, who came towards her.

The soft look on Alia’s face was the last straw for Becca.

“No,” she said.“Don’t look at me like that.I’m not twelve, and I’mnotbreakable.You may have been right about Griff, but you were wrong about me.You were wrong that I don’t know how to take care of myself.You were wrong about my ability to make good decisions.And you were wrong to make me feel like a twelve-year-old.You and Nate both.This was not your business.It wasn’t ever any of your business.”

Their friends, even Nate, had melted away during her speech, leaving the sisters alone in the kitchen.There were tears in Alia’s eyes.“Bex—I—”

“I know you need to do this.Take care of me.Believe me, I understand.But I need you tonotright now.So, we’re going to have to find some middle ground.”

Tears streamed down Alia’s face, and part of Becca wanted to let her sister off the hook, but she knew that it was now or never.She would never know, so deeply in her heart, that it was time for her to do exactly what Griff had said she hadn’t: grow up.

“I love you.You know I love you.But no more.I’m a full-fledged woman and have been for some time.You can be my friend.You willalwaysbe my sister.But you.Are.Not.My.Mother.”

“I’ll try,” Alia whispered.“It’s hard.”

Becca touched her sister’s arm tenderly.“I know.I’m not angry.I just—this is me.This is my life.”She took a deep breath.“I’m going to go back to Seattle.”

Alia’s mouth opened, then closed, like the last turning of gears in a windup toy running down.She stayed silent.

Becca smiled and touched her sister’s hand.“Thank you.”

“What are the rules, exactly?”Alia asked.

“The rules?”

“Of being your sister and friend but not your mother?Can I comfort you?”

“Of course.”

Alia opened her arms and wrapped her sister up.“Then this is me, being your sister.”

Becca began to cry.

“Can I tell you it’s going to be okay?”

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