Page 66 of Holding Out

Shit, she’d mistaken his confused feelings about the fact that she was leaving for something else.“No, I know.I didn’t—I know you’re not.”

“I’m not,” she repeated.

“When I said that, it wasn’t really what I meant,” he said.“I just—”

He had to stop because the sentence that had been about to come out of his mouth felt too serious.But then he decided to say it anyway, because it was true:

“I just want you to do something that makes you happy.”

Her face got pink.She gave him the sweetest smile.“Thank you,” she said.“That’s—That’s really—”

They both stopped and justlookedat each other for a long minute.

Griff thought maybe one of them was going to say something, but then neither of them did.When she broke the silence, she moved them back into safe territory.“This job’ll make me happy.”

“Then it’s good.Then that’s good.”

She took a long drink of her chocolate shake, and he watched her mouth form a sweet little O around the straw.Hell yes.Only bigger and better.

“So when Nate gave you his big lecture, what did he say?About us, um, screwing around?”she asked.

He didn’t like that phrase.Screwing around.Their fling might be casual and it might be temporary, but it didn’t feel likescrewing around.

“He didn’t say anything I didn’t already know.He told me about your mom, which you’d told me, but—I guess I didn’t realize quite how bad her illness was.Was she always like that?”

Becca tilted her head.“Um—well, mostly.But I remember some times—when we were little and before my dad died—that were really great.All of us together as a family, sure, but also just my mom.She used to do a lot of craft projects with me, and she had the best stuff, the best ideas.Glitter and feathers and sequins and googly eyes and pom-poms in all different sizes, and she would get so, so excited ...”

Her voice, which had brightened as she reminisced, trailed off, and she looked into the distance, chasing the memory.

She took a bite of her burger and he thought she was done, but then she set it down and began speaking again.“And sometimes she’d have good stretches.Like, the year I was twelve, she came out of her depression.Before that, she’d surfaced from time to time, enough to take on chores and driving and stuff, but this was a whole series of months that she really came back, like she’d just woken up from hibernation.She’d sit down with me after school—I was getting home an hour earlier than Alia then, because we were in different schools—and she’d make me cinnamon-sugar toast, and we’d talk.Really talk.I told her about my friends and guys I had crushes on and which classes I was having trouble with, and she listened and gave advice, and—I remember, I felt—”

She paused abruptly, and took a deep breath.“Like,Is this is how other kids feel all the time?”

Griff, who had grown up with a mom who did craft and cooking projects with him and his sister, a mom who had fed him a snack every day after school for thirteen years, could not find words.

“But it didn’t last long,” Becca said.“Just before Christmas that year, she got back in bed, and—” She sighed.

Griff reached out and covered her hand with his.It didn’t feel like anywhere near enough, but he had to touch her.Offer twelve-year-old Becca some speck of comfort in a world where parents could die and be lost in their own suffering without warning.

Becca’s gaze flashed to his, surprised, and gratitude warmed her eyes.

“Do you ever see her, now?”

“After I graduated from high school, I saw her at holidays, but I haven’t seen her for a couple of years.Alia thinks I should visit.And maybe a year ago I would have caved, but I’m in a good place, and, I don’t know, New Becca doesn’t need that, you know?”She didn’t wait for his confirmation, but picked up her burger again.“What else did Nate say?I’m sure you guys didn’t talk about my mommy issues the whole time.”

“He also brought up your ex.The one who made you save yourself for him and then—”

He could feel the expression on his face morph into murder, which made Becca smile.“Todd,” she said.“Yeah.He probably said I was a hot mess after that, huh?I mean, not that he saw it for himself, but I know Alia’s told him.Something like that really screws with how you think about promises, you know?We were both saving ourselves for the rest of our lives.And then—”

“I really want to hurt him,” Griff said quietly.

“You wouldn’t though, would you?”she asked uncertainly.

That madehimsmile.“Nah.Lately I’ve wanted to hurt a lot of people on your behalf.But I’m not really that guy.I mean, war, yeah, obviously, but I’ve never even punched someone as a civilian.Not even—”

He stopped.

“Alia told me about what happened with Marina.”

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