Page 42 of Holding Out

“No, I mean it.Thanks.”

He took a step toward the door, then turned back.“And, um, I thought you might want to know.That girl, Becca—”

“Woman,” Griff said reflexively.

“She said she wasn’t interested in going out with me.But I appreciate the help.”

Griff knew he should feel bad, but he didn’t.Not at all.In fact, he mainly was thinking about the way Becca had raked her hands through his hair as he’d licked her clit, and feeling pure male triumph.

“You win some, you lose some,” he told CJ.“Back in the saddle, right?”

“A bunch of us are going out tonight, if you want to come along.Play wingman.Or get some pus—action yourself.”

Yeah, CJ wouldn’t waste any time, and Griff wouldn’t waste any guilt.“Thanks.Not tonight—but I appreciate the invitation.You going to drive the Shelby there?”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew.Like his brain had been slowly cobbling the pieces together, and it had just needed one more push to click this last one into place.

“You don’t drive,” Griff said.It wasn’t a question.

CJ’s face had gone pale.

“You haven’t driven since—”

“Look, man, I gotta run,” CJ said, and he did.Like, literally.

Griff watched him go, musing.

Jake came over.“Hey.That was great.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re good with them.”

Griff shrugged.Too much praise made him squirmy, and he knew he didn’t deserve any in this case.He’d just put his foot in it with CJ, in a big way.And how could he take credit for helping anyone else when he wasn’t brave enough to admit to his own bullshit?Those men who wore it on their sleeve; they were the real heroes.

“How’d you like to lead the group, from time to time?”

Griff shook his head.“Nah.No thanks.”

“Why not?You listen.You know what to say.It’s because of you that CJ even showed up today.They trust you, Griff.”

Griff shrugged.“I’m just imitating stuff I’ve heard you say.I’m the last one who should be giving anyone advice.”Not to mention, I’m the world’s biggest hypocrite when it comes to this support group.Trying to get everyone else to spill their guts while I stay clammed up.“I’m just here because I couldn’t hack it in the real world.”He said it lightly.

“That’s not the whole story, and you know it.You lost buddies.You lost yourwife.”

“I didn’t lose her.”He’d always hated that fucking phrase.“She left.”

“There are lots of ways to get the shit kicked out of you, Griff.”Jake’s eyes were knowing.

For a moment he let himself drift back there.To what it had felt like, flying in and looking around for Marina at the airfield.Scanning faces for the dark curtain of her hair, waiting for the flash of recognition and affection to light up a face turned toward him.All the other guys had people there, with signs and flowers and flags and gifts.Kids running up and throwing their arms around their waists or their legs.Women kissing them like they were starved for it.

He’d told himself something had delayed Marina.Traffic.He texted her but didn’t get an answer.In the end, he hitched a ride home with a guy, his wife, and their kids, and the whole way, it was one big huge love fest with Griff on the outside, feeling more and more awkward.

And then they’d dropped him in front of his big house—new construction, like Marina’d wanted—and he could feel it.The deadness, the emptiness, of the house.Even before he opened the door.

Inside it was justhollow.His stuff was still there, but nothing of hers.And noher.

Just the note.

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