Page 81 of Head Over Heels

She takes a breath. “She’s going to be great.”

“Yeah. She seems really, um, yeah…great.”

Yeah. That’s about where I am right now. Freezing fog.

She stands there for a beat. Trying, I know from personal experience, to find something to say that will make things okay between us. But there isn’t anything.

It’s Wednesday night now, and this is how it’s been since Monday night. Liv leaves tomorrow morning.

The world keeps doing its thing. Liv met Emily midway on Tuesday to retrieve Katie. Gillian came to the house this morning and met Katie. As predicted, they got along great. They did aFrozensing-along and a craft project and at the end, I offered Gillian the job and she accepted.

But I feel like I’m going through the motions. I feel like Robot Chase, who puts one foot in front of the other and says the right things but isn’t reallyhere.

Maybe I should have argued harder with Liv. Maybe I should have begged her not to go.

But the truth is, I’m done. Done wanting to be who other people want me to be. I tried to be the guy my parents wanted me to be, and look where that got me. I tried to be the guy Thea wanted me to be, and look where that got me.

It doesn’t work, like Thea said. LikeLivsaid. You can’t change to be who someone else wants you to be.

I won’t try to be anyone other than who I am, not ever again.

Not even for Liv.

Just to clarify, I didn’t make love to her the way I did on Monday night to try to change her mind. I wasn’t thinking about seducing her or convincing her. I just wanted her to know how I felt, that I loved her. I couldn’t say the words, not without feeling like I was trying to manipulate her into staying. I had to tell her the only other way I could, with my body.

And I wanted to say goodbye.

Chapter 44

Liv

Even though she’s known it was coming, Katie flips out when it’s time for me to say goodbye.

“But I don’t want Liv to leave. She is the best with my nightmares! She is the best with making a table! She is the best with helping me shop for things! She is the best with singing ‘Let it Go’! She is the best with getting library books!”

She starts to cry. My own tears spill over, and I do my best to swat them away before she can see.

“I don’twantanothernew mommy!”

For the first time since our conversation Monday night, Chase makes eye contact with me. His expression is utterly stricken, and I’m flooded with guilt. I never, ever should have said yes to this setup. Look what I’ve done. I’ve made Katie’s transition harder; I’ve ruined a friendship.

But what’s done is done. The past is rearview, and I have to keep moving forward. It’s the best thing for me and it’sdefinitelythe best thing for Katie.

“I’m not your mommy,” I say as gently as I can. “I’m your nanny. And you’ll love Gillian. She’ll be your new nanny, and she’ll come soon and play with you and you will have such a good time with her. Nannies come and go, Katie. They don’t stay forever. But your daddy will always be your daddy. And he is areallygreat daddy. You are super lucky.”

Chase’s face has that same blank look it got the other night when we were talking about me staying. When he realized I was right and there was no way he could promise me what I needed. But he gathers himself, pulls himself together, for Katie’s sake. A deep breath, and he kneels to face Katie at eye level.

“That’s right, baby. I willalwaysbe your daddy. And I will help you with all those things. Singing ‘Let It Go’ and even going shopping and helping you make a table,” he says.

I wait for him to cast me an eye roll, something, but he is entirely focused on Katie. And for some reason, that’s when itreallysinks in, that I have lost him. We will not kid around anymore about the ways we are different and the shit that bugs him about me and the shit that bugs me about him. I won’t teach him hairstyles and marketing techniques, and he won’t teach me how to camp or cast or whatever you call what you do with fishing line. We won’t spar or kiss or make love or watch different movies side by side.

It’s over.

Oh, Chase.

I knew this would be hard. I just didn’t know it would bethishard.

Katie tugs my sleeve. “Livvy. Why do nannies come and go? Why do you want to be a come-and-go person instead of a stay person?”

---