Page 56 of Sin and Redemption

Three or four times of painful sex—for Sara on a physical level and me on a mental one. Fuck. I wasn’t a pussy, but the thought of having her lying under me in the dark again, stiff as a board, while I tried to get off as soon as possible was a nightmare. One I had absolutely no intention of reliving. We’d made progress in the past two weeks, but that would ruin it all.

“Under one condition,” I said.

She looked up, frowning. So far I’d always done what she asked me to do. My guilty conscience wouldn’t allow me to act any other way, but I simply couldn’t do this again. It felt like I was forcing myself on her every time, even though she asked for it.

“Okay,” she said slowly.

“Tonight, we’re spending a chilled evening in our rooftop garden, chatting and just trying to be a normal couple and kiss. And tomorrow, we’re having sex, but we’re not using lubricant. I’m not going to stick my cock in without preparation. We’re going to do this the right way, like it should be done.”

Concern filled her eyes, but she nodded. “But we might still need lubricant.”

Maybe we would. Fuck. I had always been confident in my ability to get a woman wet, but the situation with Sara was different, and it had changed me. But I’d do my best to get Sara relaxed and wet, even if I was the last person she wanted to be with.

“What would you like me to cook tonight?” Sara asked after a moment, sounding more composed than a minute ago.

Screw it. We would be spending the next few days trying to make a baby. I couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. “I’d prefer to eat you, but as that’s not on the menu tonight, I’d love a hearty soup.”

Sara gave me an open-mouthed look, then snapped her lips shut. “All right.”

Fuck, I would have laughed at her stunned expression if I wasn’t nervous like a virgin about the next few days.

Sara was outside, cuddled up under even more blankets in front of the gas hearth. In my hands I held bowls with the bean and pasta stew Sara had prepared. We ate in silence, allowing the soup to warm us from the inside. When we were done, I put our bowls on the ground since Sara seemed ready to cling to hers all evening.

“We’ve done this before, sitting beside each other like this, and you even kissed me,” I reminded her.

“I know. But that was just a peck, and it’s just kind of strange knowing what’s going to happen all day. It’s increasing my anxiety.”

I raised my eyebrows. She planned our sex life according to her ovulation.

Sara grimaced and let out an embarrassed laugh. “Hypocritical of me, right?”

“You’re my wife, and I won’t ever badmouth you, but since you were the one who called you hypocritical…”

“I deserve that, I know.”

“You deserve so much more than what we have right now, Sara.”

She looked at me with huge, emotional eyes. I was done with words. I touched her cheek and leaned forward. “Just a kiss, okay?”

“Okay,” she breathed.

Maximus’s face came closer, and his other hand came up to touch my cheek, but before his lips touched mine, he paused, giving me time to pull back or stop him. I didn’t. Maximus regarded me, his eyes seemingly taking in every inch of my face, and bridged the last inch between us until his lips brushed mine. The friction sent sparks through my entire body. My cheeks became warm, and soon, my entire body felt hot. Maximus kept the kiss light, sliding his lips over mine once more before he pulled back, but only a couple of inches. I wished he wouldn’t stop. I wished he would keep kissing me. “Was that okay for you?”

“Yes,” I got out.

A kiss was nothing compared to what we had already done and would be doing in the next few days, but it felt intimate on a level that Maximus and I hadn’t reached before. And I had enjoyed it. The trauma from the past was surprisingly quiet, maybe because we’d never kissed during the incident.

Maximus slowly lowered his hands from my cheek, and I mourned the loss of his warmth and closeness. He wrapped an arm around me, and I leaned against him, peering up at his face. He met my gaze and gave me a small smile before he returned his attention to the flames. His eyes glowed as the fire reflected in them. I allowed myself to see Maximus at that moment, see him as he was and not as part of a memory that he and I needed to overcome to move into a future together. And as my eyes took him in, like they had taken him in when he’d picked me up that day, I realized I was still attracted to him. He looked nothing like the guys I’d admired in the past, but my body still warmed when I saw his strong body and stunning eyes. If I could focus on that, on the man before me in the next few days and hopefully beyond that too, then maybe we could build a connection that wasn’t constantly tainted by the past.

“I think I’m attracted to you,” I said. In the past, I would have never uttered something rash like this. Maybe it was Isa’s influence on me.

Maximus’s eyebrows climbed his forehead as he gave me an amused look. “You think?”

I laughed. “It’s complicated.”

“I know,” he murmured. “You know what’s not complicated?”

His gaze burned into me in a way it had never done before. “No,” I whispered.

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