Page 45 of Sin and Redemption

“I’m sorry for insinuating you weren’t faithful,” she said quietly.

I gave a terse nod. I was done with this conversation. “Is there anything else you want from me?”

“No.”

“Then everything’s settled. In two days, we’ll be intimate. Hopefully, you’ll get your baby so we won’t have to repeat it.”

She left the kitchen and headed for her room. Soon after, I heard retching and the flush of the toilet. I sagged against the kitchen counter and closed my eyes. If the mere thought of sex with me already made her feel sick, trying to get her pregnant was going to be a nightmare.

My belly clenched violently, but only bile left my mouth. I sat back on my haunches and closed my eyes. Gathering the courage to ask Maximus for a child had taken a toll on me. His reaction had been the one I’d been dreading. It was obvious he didn’t want to touch me again. I still remembered his disgusted expression in the cell afterward. Was it that? Did the idea of touching me again disgust him?

I sighed. In the aftermath, especially in the first few weeks after the incident, I’d been disgusted by my body. I’d barely been able to touch myself, not even to clean in the shower. I felt better now, most days at least, but today, the memories from that day echoed particularly loud, and I couldn’t silence them.

I wanted children. That was my motivation. Even if the process to get them would be hard, I’d go through with it.

Maybe I should have broached the subject of having children sooner. After a year of my silent retreat from him, Maximus must feel steamrolled by my sudden request. I considered going back to dinner to apologize, but gathering the courage to talk to Maximus and then throwing up had taken a toll on me physically and mentally, and I simply couldn’t muster up the energy.

I hadn’t been hungry all day, and now, I felt positively nauseated by the idea of putting food into my mouth, so I couldn’t even return to finish my meal.

Maximus didn’t come to see me. He never did. I wasn’t sure if he simply didn’t care how I felt or if he preferred to pretend everything was fine. Maybe it made things easier for him. I wasn’t even sure I wanted him to try consoling me. We still felt very much like strangers. And he was probably angry because I’d suggested he slept with other women. But it had never even crossed my mind that he might not. He had been a very sexually active man before our marriage, and now he didn’t have any sex at all. My guilt increased. Maybe Maximus had been so clipped because I’d hurt his feelings with my words. He always appeared so strong and unfazed that I often forgot that he had feelings too. I needed to talk to someone.

I picked up my phone and called Isa. She picked up after the second ring.

We had never been super close, not like good friends. We had been too different, but since my capture Isa and I had begun spending more time with each other. Even if our experiences weren’t quite the same, she too had experienced trauma through captivity. I admired the way she handled it: with her usual dose of sarcasm and stubbornness.

“I hope you have a good reason to call. I’m currently writing a very satisfying murder scene,” she muttered in typical Isa style.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I can call—”

“Bull,” she interrupted me harshly. Then continued in a softer voice. “I can hear you’re upset. Do you need me to come over?”

I swallowed, tears welling up in my eyes. “Talking to you on the phone is good.” Isa had more freedom than many mafia girls of her status, but since her kidnapping, her dad, Matteo, had definitely upped her protection a lot. I didn’t want to cause her trouble.

“Okay. What happened?”

I told her of my conversation with Maximus. I hadn’t mentioned my decision to ask Maximus for a child with anyone. She was silent for several heartbeats before she said, “Maximus is a tough guy, but even tough guys have things they can’t brush off. That day probably still haunts him, so he might be anxious about taking the next step in your marriage.”

I bit my lip. Hearing Isa confirm that I had ignored Maximus’s feelings made me feel horrible.

“And maybe it would be a good idea to work on your marriage first before you try to be intimate.”

Deep down, I knew Isa had a valid point, but the idea of waiting years—because considering the state of our marriage, that wasn’t an unlikely timeframe to fix our problems—for a child increased the ache in my chest to unbearable dimensions.

“You’ll be a great Mom,” Isa assured me after a while. “But do you really think you can go through with having sex with Maximus? You haven’t been intimate with him since that day. Maybe you should at least try to build up to sex. Kiss and fool around a bit. Learn to feel comfortable with his touch and enjoy your body again.”

How could she sound so poised and grown-up when she was three years younger than me?

“That’s why I’m glad we’re chatting on the phone. You’d laugh at how red my face is.” I sighed. “I don’t think that would work. I don’t think it’s something Maximus wants.”

“Have you asked him?”

“No,” I whispered.

“Then you can’t know. Let me ask another question… what doyouwant? Apart from a baby.”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I can ever be with him without being reminded of that day.”

“Not if you don’t try. You have to take action. Replace the bad memories with good ones.”

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