Page 33 of Sin and Redemption

“Oh, Sara, please don’t think you are to blame. Our thoughts can’t end a viable pregnancy. Nothing you did led to this. Absolutely nothing.” She squeezed my hand tightly.

I couldn’t open my eyes because I knew Mom’s gaze would be full of love and understanding, and I simply didn’t feel worthy of it right now.

“Now that it’s over, I realize just how much I wanted this baby and already cared for it.” I shuddered, holding back another sob because I felt like it would wreck me.

Mom stretched out beside me and stroked my head. “Let it all out. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”

Mom held me for a while before I felt ready to shower and get dressed. Getting naked was the hardest because my slight bump was even more obvious that way. Mom gave me some of her clothes, a loose dress that hid the signs of a pregnancy that was no more.

“I’m sure Maximus won’t mind if you spend a few days here.”

“I should go back. We’re married after all.” The empty ring of my voice scared me.

Doubt reflected on Mom’s face. It was obvious she didn’t think it was a good idea. Neither did I. “If you need me, I’m there for you. You can call me any time, Sara. I don’t think you should be alone right now. You can sleep at the apartment and spend the days helping me clean out the attic.”

I nodded, glad to have something to keep me busy.

“Should I let Maximus know he can pick you up after work?”

“Yes, please do.” I should have done it myself, but I couldn’t talk to him now. I wasn’t even sure why I felt angry with him and his lack of reaction. He didn’t have any sort of connection to the baby. Yesterday should have been the first time he would have really been part of my pregnancy…

Mom and I spent all afternoon cleaning out the attic, where boxes filled with old clothes and toys were piled high. Many of them held childhood memories of my siblings and me. Maybe I would have chosen a few of our old toys for the baby one day.

“This was a bad idea,” Mom said when she saw me clutching an old stuffed bear that played a lullaby. I shook my head. “No. I want to feel this pain. It’ll be a part of me now. I better get used to it.”

Mom looked down at her dust-covered hand and swallowed hard.

Maximus picked me up at seven in the evening. I had ignored the message he’d sent me yesterday, but I knew Mom had kept him updated. When I got into his car, I expected him to be mad because I’d just ghosted him and slept at home without even telling him. He only regarded me with a blank face for a couple of heartbeats before he turned his attention back to the street and drove off.

“My mother packed us a container with her chicken soup. It’s delicious and satisfying due to the tagliatelle she always adds to it,” I said. The warmth of the soup seeped into my lap, and I clung to the container.

“That’s nice of her. I could have gotten takeout. If you don’t feel like cooking in the next few days, I have a few great places where I used to get food when I stayed in the city.”

“I’ll cook. It keeps me busy.”

I stared straight ahead even though Maximus tried to catch my gaze a few times. From the corner of my eye, I could see his grip on the steering wheel tightening.

“I’m sorry,” I said when we pulled into a parking spot in front of the townhouse after about a minute in the car. If Maximus hadn’t picked me up after work, I would have walked the short distance.

He turned off the engine, then turned to me with an aghast expression. “What are you apologizing for?”

I shrugged. I wasn’t even sure. I simply felt so guilty in so many regards that the words had slipped out. Maximus shook his head. “You have no reason to be sorry.”

Maybe he was relieved that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I searched his amber eyes for a hint of his true feelings. “Are you happy?”

His mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything, utter shock on his face. “Fuck, happy the baby’s dead?” He closed his eyes and slammed his fists on the steering wheel, causing the vehicle to honk. I watched mutely as his rage slowly took form on his face and the tension in his body.

“Fuck no!” He shoved the door open, then slammed it shut so the truck rattled. Outside, he let out a roar, then punched the side of the truck with both fists. Passersby scuttled away, obviously scared by his rage. Maximus was an imposing sight at any time, but when he got mad, it was truly frightening. If our neighbors hadn’t been terrified yet, they would be now.

I swallowed. I shouldn’t have asked.

I allowed him his rage. I wondered if rage was something I should feel too. But rage at whom? Nature? Myself? Right now, I just felt empty.

Eventually, he approached my side and opened the door for me. I peered up at his reddened face, at the pulsing vein in his throat. He blew out a breath. “I shouldn’t have lost it like that,” he gritted out, not even looking at my face. “But your question…fuck, Sara.” He met my gaze. “Of course, I’m not happy.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

After seeing his angry outburst, I was relieved. Knowing that Maximus wasn’t left unaffected by our baby’s death made me feel better. He held out his hand and helped me climb out of his truck, then he took the Tupperware from me. Side by side, we walked up the stairs to the townhouse, then took the small elevator up. My gaze drifted to the bruises on Maximus’s knuckles from punching the vehicle. Right above them, on the back of his hand, the wordnemesiswas inked into his skin. The god of revenge. I wondered if that was how Maximus saw himself.

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