Page 87 of I'll Carry You

“Yes.” She paled some, which wasn’t the easiest thing considering how pale she already was. “But you knew that. I didn’t exactly try to hide the fact from your PI when he was snooping around my personal business.”

“It’s not mine.” Jason crossed his arms and leaned back in the seat. “And Jen’s son is first in line to inherit, so you may as well drop the sham. That baby is never going to even have a chance. And frankly, I don’t want to embarrass you in court.”

A server interrupted their conversation, and Jason ordered a beer. He watched Amanda sip her Coke again, her gaze downcast. She’d always exuded confidence. But she seemed strangely muted. Even the fact that she’d come to Yardley’s without protesting was a change of pace. When the server had left, she played with the edge of her paper coaster. “It’s your baby, Jason. We already did a paternity test. It’s not Chad’s. In fact”—she didn’t meet his eyes—“he dumped me for cheating on him with you.”

He suppressed an ironic laugh.Cheating on Chad with him?The absurdity of the phrase made him raise his brows. “So you—who never wanted to be a mother, ever—just so happened to conceive that last time we were together when it conveniently aligned with a viable opportunity at a substantial inheritance? What are you playing at? I’m not an idiot, you know.”

“I’ve never thought you were an idiot. But nothing about this is convenient for me, Jason.” Her face looked a bit pinched, as though she was on the verge of tears, something he wasn’t sure he’d ever witnessed. Or had he? Who knew? “But believe it or not, I want this baby. I had stopped taking birth control because Chad and I were talking about getting pregnant, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly or with you. I should have told you, and it was wrong of me not to. And I’m sorry. I don’t know—it’s probably the hormones or something—but when I found out I was pregnant, I was really, really excited.”

“If it’s not about the inheritance, why’d you do a paternity test?”

The edge of her coaster was fraying badly. “Because I told Chad that I had slept with you when I found out. That it might not be his. And he asked for a test. He said if it was his, he’d consider staying together, but no way in hell was he raisingyourchild.”

Even though she’d told him a few times now that the baby was his, something in her words now hit him differently. Made him almost throw up.

His pulse quickened, his throat going dry. He needed that server to come back with that beer—now.

He was going to be a father?

The breath he drew was shaky. “How do I know you didn’t sleep with someone else?”

“I didn’t. But if it makes you feel better, you can do a paternity test, too. There were only ever two options. It’s not Chad’s, so that leaves you.” Amanda shifted in her seat. “Think about it. What possible reason would I have to lie about this? We didn’t exactly end things on good terms. Co-parenting with you is just about the worst twist of karma I’ve ever heard of. And you’ve said it yourself—it’s not about the money. Maybe, just maybe, you can admit that leaves the obvious fact that I’m telling you the truth.”

He set his hands down on the edge of the table, pushing his weight into them. The server returned with his drink, which he stared at, watching the amber bubbles rising up the side of the glass. He was going to have a kid.

With Amanda.

“Holy shit,” he breathed out, but his head felt light. Too light. Was he getting oxygen? His throat felt choked, his collar too tight.

Amanda gave him a wary look. “You okay?”

“I’m processing.”

She nodded, then returned to destroying her coaster.

He chugged his beer. He might need a few of these with this news.

A father?

He couldn’t visualize that. A kid Colby’s age—okay. They could walk and talk and watch cartoons. But diapers and midnight feedings? Wait—would he even be around for that? They were on the verge of their divorce being finalized. “What does this mean? Are you trying to get back together?”

This time, Amanda laughed. She shook her head. “No. Maybe you are an idiot.” She cleared her throat. “No, I think we were together long enough to realize we don’t work. I don’t believe any child we bring into this world would benefit from a life being spent in our sham marriage.”

“It wasn’t like that—” Their shouted words during their breakup, the night he’d moved out of their house, came back.

“You should have told me you wanted out.”

“How can you talk to someone who’s never there, even when you manage to see them? You checked out of this marriage long before I did. I’m not even sure you were ever in it. You’re incapable of actual feeling, Jason! Grow up, already. Your life has been the exact opposite of hard.”

“You knew who I was when you married me, Amanda. You just didn’t care because I still came with a good stock portfolio and an address in Lincoln Park. Nothing changed.”

“How do you just not get it? I changed! I realized I wanted something more. Someone who actually gave a damn about me.”

And he hadn’t had a response for her because he hadn’t given a damn.

The truth was what he’d felt when Amanda left was annoyance and anger. Not sadness. Not hurt.

Not loss.

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