Page 99 of I'll Carry You

If you ever need anything and feel like you can call on me, I’ll be here.

Jason

At some point in reading,Jen had covered her mouth, her eyes misting at his words.

She handed the letter mutely to Lindsay, then pulled the first manila envelope out, holding it gingerly.

She didn’t want to know what was in here. Didn’t want to look.

At either envelope.

Before Lindsay could even finish reading the letter, Jen had pulled back the grate to the fire. She tossed both envelopes and the thumb drives into the fire.

Lindsay lifted her gaze sharply. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

Jen nodded. Both envelopes sat on top of the logs, smoke curling under them. Then a bright burst of flame caught them, filling the fireplace with a yellow glow. The flames licked higher, the envelopes consumed by fire and smoke.

Lindsay folded the letter and handed it to Jen. She stood beside her, watching the envelopes burn. “You’re a better person than I am. I would have been too curious not to look.”

Jen shook her head. “I don’t want to know.” She looked down at Jason’s letter, her heart feeling painful.

“Do you think he really loves you?” Lindsay whispered.

Jen wiped a tear from her cheek. She sucked her lips in, between her teeth, until they hurt.Does he?

Who knew? She shook the thought away, then looked back at Lindsay with a sniffle. “I’m getting ready to go to the boat. You want to come with us? It might be a good idea for us all to go in my dad’s truck.”

“Sounds good.” Lindsay scanned her face with a worried expression.

Jen folded the letter again, then put it in the back pocket of her jeans. “I’m going to hop in the shower and do my hair and makeup. You know, for my ten seconds of fame. Can you keep an eye on Colby if he needs anything?”

She hurried up the stairs, leaving Lindsay in the living room. She headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. Turning on the shower, she closed the lid to the toilet, then sat on it.

She stared at her hands.

Jason claimed to love her.

God, what she would have given to hear those words from him if things hadn’t gone the way they had. The thought of him still made her want to scream and cry and stomp her feet and talk to him all at the same time.

Because the truth was, it wasn’t hard for her to believe someone could fall in love quickly. A part of her loved him. There was no use denying that.

. . . maybe not just a part.

She was less angry now, though her hurt hadn’t diminished.

But she loved him. Even though he was selfish and had lied to her, she’d seen a side of him that told her there was so much more to him than that. Something had hurt him—maybe his ex-wife, but probably something before that, given that Kevin had struggled, too—wounded Jason so deeply that he guarded himself. Some of his behavior was an act.

Thanks to Kevin, she also knew that she couldn’t heal that pain herself. Whatever had caused Jason to feel like he was “no good,” he was going to have to make his peace with.

Yet love sometimes helped you want to be the best version of yourself, doesn’t it?

. . . but he was going to be a father.

Jen’s heart gave a little tug and she closed her eyes, feeling guilty as hell and awful.

He’d be bound to his ex-wife forever. And Chicago. What would that mean for him? Would he stay in Chicago permanently? The thought of never seeing him again made her ill, despite everything. She didn’t want him to be anyone else’s.

But how selfish and terrible was she for even thinking that?

---