Page 32 of Part & Parcel

“You. Us. Logically, you know that I would never fucking tell you to go to Ty, or Owen, or Digger, or anyone, before I would have you come to me. And that was true before we started fucking. But something inside you is justbrokenwhen it comes to your heart.” He tapped Nick’s chest.

Nick blinked a few times, looking away from Kelly as the last hints of color drained from his face.

“You just can’t believe that I would love you unconditionally, that I could love you the same way you love me. Can you?”

Nick swallowed hard, and he released Kelly’s hand so he could put his palm to his chest. He seemed to be struggling for breath, and Kelly belatedly recognized that Nick was fighting to stay calm. What the hell was this, a panic attack? Since when didtalking withKellykick Nick into a panic attack?

“Nick.” Kelly said, voice calm but urgent. He hopped to his feet and moved in front of Nick, hesitating a moment before he took Nick’s face between his hands.

During their service, each of the Sidewinder boys had had different ways of panicking, and each of them had had different ways of being calmed. Eli or Digger, you didn’t fucking touch them unless you wanted to die. Owen needed air and he needed to walk, so you let him pace as much as he could until he’d calmed himself. Ty, you just gave him somewhere to hide until he could work through the feeling, and Kelly’s rare bouts were handled in much the same way. But Nick needed grounding, needed a gentle touch and gentle words to let him know he wasn’t alone. If he didn’t get it, he often tried to fight his way through to the other side, and people wound up getting hurt.

“Irish, it’s okay,” Kelly cooed, brushing his palm against Nick’s cheek like he was petting a dog. “It’s okay, Nicko, breathe. Oh, babe, I’m sorry. It’s okay.”

Nick closed his eyes, letting Kelly’s touch and voice settle him just like they always had. He gasped for air, struggling to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth. Kelly bent closer to him, his hands still on Nick’s face, waiting for Nick to come back to him.

Nick finally forced his eyes open, meeting Kelly’s.

“I’m sorry, that was harsh.” Kelly brushed his hand over Nick’s bottom lip. “That was too harsh.”

“It’s okay,” Nick managed. “I’m sorry.”

“Babe,” Kelly whispered, and the soothing pitch of his voice seemed to cut right through the remnants of Nick’s mental spiral. Nick was meeting his gaze again, his expression calming, his green eyes clear. “You want to do this later?”

Nick shook his head, taking one of Kelly’s wrists in gentle fingers and pulling his hand away from his face. “Go on.”

“It was harsh,” Kelly repeated as he straightened. “But it’s true, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” Nick rasped.

“I know how you love me. I know it with all my heart. And you have to know somewhere in there that I love you the same way. I love you with everything I am. I do.”

“But I . . .”

“If you fucking tell me that you don’t deserve it, I’m going to make you bleed.”

Nick blinked slowly, and Kelly huffed at him.

“I lied to you,” Nick said, and he tried to lower his head but Kelly’s hands coming up to his cheeks again stopped him, forcing him to maintain eye contact.

“I know. And yeah, it hurt me. But it also fucking tore you apart to do it. Iknowyou. You didn’t lie because you wanted to, because you thought it was fun. You didn’t do it for any kind of personal gain, you did it to keep me safe. To keep Ty and Zane safe. Hell, to keepyourselfsafe. I saw how miserable that lie made you for a year, even if I didn’t know at the time what was causing it. I knew you weren’t happy. You did it with a literal gun to your head. Are you really so fucking blind to the gray areas of the world that you think that doesn’t make a difference?”

Nick stared into his eyes, and Kelly hoped Nick could see the fire that was kindling deep inside him, that Nick was letting the words sink in. If there was anything that Kelly was willing to fight for, it was Nick. Even if that fight was against the man himself.

“I love that your heart is so good,” Kelly said. “I love it about you. But you’re not that naïve, babe, you’re not. Why do you insist on ruining the good things you have as penance for shit you can’t control?”

Nick licked his lips, and the color drained from his face again. “Am I ruiningthis?”

Kelly’s heart stuttered, and his anger and determination were replaced by stark fear. “No, I didn’t mean that,” he said quickly. “I’m . . . I’m sorry, that was . . . Fuck! I’m trying to tough love you into forgiving yourself and I’m not very good at the tough love thing, okay?” He stood up, gulping in a deep breath. Great, nowhewas the one about to panic. He laughed nervously and ran his hand through his hair.

Nick reached for Kelly’s forearm, tugging him closer. He was gazing up at him adoringly when he cupped Kelly’s face with one palm. “You’re right,” he said, as if the words had surprised him. “I’m wallowing. I’ve never done that before.”

Kelly sighed and wrapped his fingers around Nick’s wrist, running his other hand over Nick’s hair. “It’s okay to wallow. Just . . . please come back to me soon. I never realized I needed you to be you as badly as I do, okay? But I do. I need you to be you so I can be me.”

Nick was silent, and Kelly got lost in tracing Nick’s features for a moment. Then he darted in and kissed him, trying to get that surprised gasp Nick sometimes gave when Kelly caught him off guard. He smiled against Nick’s lips when he was rewarded with one, and he reached for Nick’s shoulder to push him back to the bed.

Nick went along with it, laying out amidst the messy sheets, his hands gentle and searching, clutching at Kelly’s hips, sliding up Kelly’s shirt. He kissed Kelly until Kelly straddled him and sat up to readjust his position, but Nick planted his hands on Kelly’s chest when he tried to bend over for another kiss.

“You okay?” Kelly asked, head cocked.

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