Page 70 of Part & Parcel

Nick didn’t say anything, just met Kelly’s eyes unflinchingly.

“And I feel guilty,” Kelly continued. “I feel like I’m the reason Sidewinder died. And all this, it’s Eli trying to fix the messImade of us. And it’s just making it worse, it’s making me realize more and more what I ruined by leaving. And I think . . . I think I blame you for being here and realizing all this.”

Nick was still silent, but now he was nodding almost imperceptibly.

“And I’m scared,” Kelly whispered. “Because I almost lost you in Miami. And I can tell that I’m pushing you away, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to stop me from doing it.” He held his breath, waiting for Nick to respond, for him to break this torturous silence somehow. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. “Say something.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Nick said softly.

Kelly could feel the anger bubbling up inside him. He was laying his heart open here, and Nick couldn’t think of a damn thing to say to him? He’d just admitted he was afraid they couldn’t make this work, and Nick didn’t have a word to say in their defense?

“What’s so fucking hard about it?” Kelly growled. “You know what’s hard for me? Seeing you innocently talking to some stranger in a bar and not being able to get the thought of you and Aidan on that video out of my head.”

Nick blinked and jerked his head back, lips parted.

“See?” Kelly practically shouted. “You’ve got to fucking talk to me! You’ve got to defend yourself before my mind is allowed to run rampant!”

“I can’t stop your mind from doinganything, Kelly, you and I both know that too damn well,” Nick finally blurted.

“I’m being serious!”

“So am I!”

Kelly shoved out of the booth, stalking away from Nick. He gritted his teeth and ran his hands through his hair, growling wordlessly.

“Kelly,” Nick called, and he sounded irritated and impatient. He sounded almost angry, and it pissed Kelly off even more. What the hell right didNickhave to be angry withhim? Kelly was the one being haunted by the sight of Nick and that fucking fireman in their bed, haunted by guilt. Kelly was the one losing sleep!

Kelly whirled on him, pointing a finger and waving it in utter frustration. “I can’t get it out of my head, okay! Any of it! I can’t stop seeing your face when I told you I was leaving the team! I can’t stop it! And I can’t make myself not think about you being with someone else, someone who’s never hurt you!”

Nick stood, still looking confused as he shook his head.

It made Kelly even angrier. “All I can see is you and this other guy that I know damn well you were serious about, okay? And I know . . . I know you were thinking about trying something serious with him. And then I came along, skipping right back into your path and ruining it! I can’t get it out of my head, okay! I can’t help it!”

“Neither can I!” Nick shouted. He had his fists balled at his sides, and his eyes were blazing. He’d squared his broad shoulders, too, making him look even more hulking than he usually did.

Kelly had to stop short, taken aback by the anger and fire in his lover. He hadn’t seen that in a long time, and it brought everything reeling in Kelly’s mind to a screeching halt.

“It happened! It happened before you and me. It happened in the past, and there’s nothing I can do about that! I can’t change it, I can’t defend it! Everything you’ve said, everything you’re lingering over, it’s done and gone, there’s nothing I can do about it now!” He was shouting at full volume now as everyone in the room watched him with wide eyes, and he turned his back on Kelly and stalked away. Kelly could feel the others moving, getting to their feet in case there was a fight. “I can’t go back and fix my mistakes, I can’t go back and make my decisions over again! Just like you can’t go back and change yours! If I could, do you really think I’d be here now? Do you think I’d be stuck in this hamster wheel of guilt and regret, juststuckhere trying desperately to earn forgiveness?”

“Nick,” Kelly breathed, unnoticed by anyone else as Nick paced and ranted to himself.

“Do you think there isn’t a second of my life that I wouldn’t go back and change if I could?” Nick grabbed up a beer bottle from the table he was stalking past. He put his other hand to his chest and rounded on Kelly, looking pained and seeming to implore Kelly to justlistento him. “You think I wouldn’t go back? You think I don’t remember every moment of our past together, every time you’ve looked at me like that? Every time someone has looked at me likethat!” He waved the beer bottle in his hand at the expression on Kelly’s face and then spun on his heel and hurled the bottle at the wall.

Ty and Owen both flinched and then moved, Ty going to the doors of the bar and closing them, and Owen taking the bartender and escorting her out with murmured assurances that they’d take care of this. She left with little protest, and Ty latched the doors behind her so no one else could come in.

Kelly stood, slack-jawed, staring at Nick’s back. He had both hands on his hips, his head lowered, breaths heaving. He finally turned, glancing around the room as if just realizing that they were in the hotel lobby bar and he might have just terrified everyone in the vicinity.

He was calm and silent as he went to the bar and gracefully hopped over it. He was light on his feet when he hit, no sign that his knee or anything else was bothering him. He grabbed himself another beer, and the sound of the bottle opening in the dead-silent aftermath of his outburst was as loud as a gunshot. Nick met Kelly’s eyes as he leaned against the back of the bar and took a gulp of the new beer.

“Irish,” Ty whispered carefully as he approached the bar.

“First time he looked at me like that,” Nick said with a tip of his bottle toward Kelly, “was when I shot that kid in Kyrgyzstan. You remember?” he asked, turning to Ty.

“I remember,” Ty assured him with a curt nod, speaking like he was trying to soothe a wild animal.

Kelly’s heart skipped a bit. He knew exactly what incident Nick was talking about. He remembered seeing the kid pop up out of nowhere, a gun in hand. He remembered screaming at his team to stand down, it was just a boy. And he remembered the thump of the bullet hitting the child’s chest, the horror and anguish as he’d watched the boy fall away. Nick hadn’t blinked. Hadn’t flinched. Kelly hadn’t even been able to find a hint of regret in Nick’s eyes as he’d screamed at him. He remembered the harsh words he’d spat out after Nick had pulled the trigger and the others were securing the body.

“How can you even have a soul if you pulled that trigger without hesitating,” Nick recited, echoing the words in Kelly’s memories. His voice dropped to a pained whisper. “Heartless bastard.”

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