Page 8 of Devoted

"I'm pretty sure he's got top and bottom dentures, so thanks. Although, according to my mom, Nate was quite the ladies'man."

"I guess when he didn't smell like fish," Silvana says with alaugh.

"Good one, Sil." I nod my approval. "You've lost some weight,Silvana."

Silvana lifts his shoulders high to thin out more. "Glad you noticed. I mean it's nothing compared to your weight loss but—" His face turns a radish red. "Shit, that was a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry,Ten."

I hold out my arms. "Sorry about what, Sil? I'm a walking stick figure. Anyone can see that." His confidence has been shot to hell by all the other assholes in the department for the simple reason that he is not an asshole. I hate that about the precinct. And Maddox has been a part of the problem. Only it seems he's coming around on that. "Seriously, Silvana, you look good. It seems partnering with this jerk has been good for you." My comment earns a bigsmile.

"Thanks, Ten. I've been working out and avoiding burritos. At his majesty's request." He inclines his head towardMaddox.

"Not just my request but the entire Environmental Protection Agency." Maddox walks to the refrigerator and looks inside. "Just what I thought. It's filled with my uncle's diabetic shakes." He shuts the refrigerator. "We need to fill the kitchen with edible food before Clark comes here to check this place out. Otherwise, it'll be my head sitting on a platter in thatfridge."

Silvana pulls out his keys. "Say no more. Filling a refrigerator just happens to be a specialty of mine." He points at me as he heads to the door. "Healthy or unhealthy?" heasks.

I tilt my head. "You're asking the woman who likes to sandwich her grilled cheese between the leftover glazed donuts in the breakroom."

"Right. Heavy on theunhealthy."

"But get some fruit and vegetables too," Maddox adds as Silvana walksout.

"Bananas," I call. "Nothing green unless it'sguacamole."

I turn back. Maddox is wearing a sternbrow.

I laugh. "Oh my gosh, my mom has that exact same expression. And guacamole is a vegetable. No one can tell meotherwise."

Maddox is still watching me as I walk to stand in the open doorway and let the breeze flutter my hair and loose t-shirt. "You're not planning to keep this close an eye on me are you?" I ask. "Could get kind ofcreepy."

"Nah, I promise no creepy stalking. It's just nice to see you smile. It seems like you've been kind of down these past fewdays."

"Sort of different from last week's Antsy Nancy, I guess." Just talking about my depressed mood changes my tone. It's devoid of Angie's spark. It's a little bit of overly serene Tawny coming back to hauntme.

Maddox walks across the creaky floor and stands behind me. I can feel the heat of him on my back. His warmth contrasts nicely with the cool ocean air brushing against me. A breath catches in my throat as he unexpectedly wraps his arms around me, bringing me closer to him. But I don't melt back against him. My reaction is far stiffer than I would have predicted. Six months ago, if James Maddox had walked up behind and wrapped his arms around me, I would have spun around and started ripping my clothes off. I would have slammed my mouth against his for that kiss I'd been dreaming about forever. But the timing is off. I'm not sure if it'll ever be on again. Too much has happened to me. Maddox knows so many of the gritty details, I'm not sure I can ever get past the shame. And I know him too well. He hasn't come to grips with any of it either. With all the crazy ass times we spent together doing our job, staking out drug dealers, raiding crack houses, watching each other's backs, it seems we picked the absolute worst time to finally admit our feelings to eachother.

Maddox quickly senses the awkwardness of his gesture and drops his arms. I step outside onto the crumbling cement patio. Maddox follows. A thick silence falls between us, a rarity. Two seagulls are strutting along the railroad ties Uncle Nate has set out as a makeshift border for his property. One is holding an empty hamburger wrapper. The second bird is veryjealous.

"Birds," I say quietly but it sounds extra loud after the silence. "I didn't miss birds but now that I think about it, I should have. I should have missed them." I squint up at the sky. "And clouds. Why the hell did I not miss clouds and thebreeze?"

Maddox doesn't respond. He waits and listens. He knows that's what I need right now. I don't really need an explanation as to why I didn't miss obvious things while I was underground. I just need to question how the hell I lost myself so quickly once I got down there. How did I lose control sofast?

The lack of muscles and fat on my bones makes me perpetually cold. I curl my arms around myself as I stare out at the white crests rolling into shore. "I thought I was tough. I was Angie Tennyson, the girl who didn't cry when she fell off the neighbor’s brick wall and broke her arm in two places. No tears. Growing up, that was a big rule in our house." A tear falls the second I say it. "I convinced myself I was strong and resilient. Tough enough to stand up to anything. But I crumpled like a frail daisy the second he took control ofme."

Maddox's body grows rigid with tension next to me. I can sense it without even looking at him. But maybe he needs to hear it as much as I need to say it. If we both try and gloss over it, pretend it was no big deal, then we'll never close the obvious, deep chasm that has split the ground betweenus.

"I liked it." It takes all my energy and will to spit out the three words. "I liked the moments of submission. I liked not having to be tough, take charge Angie for awhile. I didn't even mind the tears for achange."

I find the courage to turn to him. His face is smooth. His green eyes are unreadable as he absorbs everything I just said. He doesn'trespond.

"Let's go back inside. I'm cold," Isay.

I walk past him. He stays outside alone for a few minutes longer. A tartan plaid throw blanket is draped over the back of the sofa. I pick it up. My arms are so weak, even a wool blanket feels heavy. I drape it over my shoulders and sit on the couch. My body is always riddled with fatigue. The move today has zapped me of every ounce of energy. The last few moments of confession haven't helpedeither.

Maddox is standing with his hands in his pockets. His broad shoulders are taut but slightly less confident than usual. His hair has gotten longer and more wild, most likely a result of Tiffany no longer telling him to cut it. I know well enough that the story of Tiffany dumping him was a lie. The woman dancing around the police station showing everyone the ring Maddox gave her would not have suddenly broken the engagement a few weekslater.

The cozy warmth of the wool throw and the exhaustion in my body make me drowsy. I'm still watching him, Maddox, as he stands out on the beach. My last thought before I doze off is—I wonder if he regrets his decision to come afterme.

6

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