Page 40 of Devoted

The soft leather crinkles beneath my bottom as I adjust my seat. The supple leather no longer reminds me of the leather cuffs and anklets Kane made me wear. It seems the further I get from that time period, the more I'm able to put it behind me. "We've spent a lot of time talking about the way my dad always expected me to be like my brothers. I admitted to her that I always felt like the ugly stepchild for the sole reason that I was a girl and not one of his big, strapping athletic sons. That actually made her cry. She confessed that they had more than one argument about it. She told him he was way too hard on me but she also said that was just his way of parenting. It was the way his dad parentedtoo."

"And have you come to grips withthat?"

I mull the question. "I suppose, but that's probably more because I lost him at a young age. His way of parenting ended abruptly. It left a hole in our lives but it also made my life a little easier. I think realizing that made me feel even more guilty than my terrible last words to him. I felt a little freer without him and I felt awful aboutthat."

"Everyone experiences latent guilt throughout their lifetime. It's just something you have to grapple with. There are always many ways to look at it. Journaling can help you with that. Did you do a free-write on the topic I assigned you? The topic of your feelings about your undercoverassignment."

"Uh, the dog ate myhomework?"

Her perfectly drawn brow lifts a bit. "Well then, let's just talk about it." She flips back to previous notes. "We've talked about how finding out Detective Maddox had asked for a new partner and also that he had gotten engaged on the same day were a few of the triggers that made you decide to ask for the assignment." Her lips purse a second. "And we've gone over some of what happened to you when you were in the Lace Underground. Now that it's over, do you think you'd do the assignmentagain?"

"Knowing what I know about it?" I ask toclarify.

Shenods.

I sit back and rub my chin in thought. "I don't think so. I know I made the decision rashly because I was heartbroken. And I wanted to see if I could handle it, handle a big job without the support of my partner and my captain. But I don't think I was ready. It was my first real undercover assignment. I'd done a few stints as a junkie and a prostitute, but I'd never done an assignment where I had no support systems in place. I had no idea how emotionally draining it would be to become someone entirely different and leave behind all the familiar faces of my real life. I got lost in my undercover persona. Of course, the drugs sort of helped that along, but I found I liked being Tawny. I liked leaving behind Angie forawhile."

She finishes writing some notes and peers up over her glasses. "Why isthat?"

"Hmm." I tap the arm of the chair. "Tawny was vulnerable, dependent, cared for, pampered, even. It was a nicechange."

"How do you feel about Tawny now? Or have you left her completelybehind?"

"I'm glad to regain my independence. That came slow too, even after I left Lace Underground. But I think Tawny is still there, lingering occasionally. And I'mglad."

"I know you've had a wide range of emotions and feelings when it comes to Kane Freestone. What are your thoughts on him at this stage ofacceptance?"

"Learning about his severe childhood, one that was so exceptionally terrible, helped me see more sides of the man. I think, as smart as he is, he's lost in this world. Just as I'm sure he was growing up. He had a terrible secret to hide, all while pretending to be a normal kid in a normal life. I respect that he tried to help people to make up for it. I just think his altruistic view got twisted somewhere along the way. As a mental health professional, I'm certain you can see how his childhood would have left him internally scarred for good. I miss seeing him but I'm glad that the whole experience is being put behindme."

Dr. Hoffman uncrosses her legs and repositions her notepad on her thighs. She's wearing a summery yellow pantsuit today, a lighter, more fun version, of her usual outfit. She's even pinned a sun shaped rhinestone brooch to her lapel. She hesitates before her next question, which makes it easy topredict.

"Have you spoken to DetectiveMaddox?"

It's the one subject that is toughest of all. After all I've been through, losing Maddox has left me still empty withdespair.

I shake my head. "No, nothing. I don't expect to hear fromhim."

"What do you think will happen when you go back towork?"

My eyes widen. "Will that be happening soon?" I ask nearly hopping out of thechair.

She presents her most subdued smile to remain professional. "I'll be recommending your return to work in two weeks. We'll have some more session time during those weeks just to discuss your work. It's a subject we haven't really covered. But since your job entails being exposed to life threatening danger as well as a depressing and desperate side of life, I think we should talk aboutit."

"Sounds good to me, Dr. Hoffman. I'm anxious to get back to beingproductive."

"In addition to talking about the work, we'll have to talk about the obvious—how it will be working in the same precinct with DetectiveMaddox."

His name causes an uproar of butterflies in my stomach. I've thought about going back to work so often, I can picture everything about the first day. Slipping my gun into the holster. Meeting with Clark to get a briefing on a case. Sitting at my messy desk drinking coffee that was either too bitter or too weak. And listening to stories about weekend adventures or crazy busts. The only thing that is always missing from my work daydreams is Maddox. It's too hard thinking about to even let him into myhead.

I sit back with a sigh. "Thank you for this news. I needed it. I can't wait to get back to myjob."

23

Maddox

I'm just abouton my way out for the weekend when Clark waves me into his office. Nothing about his expression looks happy. I walk inside and he shuts thedoor.

"Shit, you already ripped me a new one last week for breaking precious Junior's arm. Am I still going to hear aboutit?"

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