Page 90 of Amnesty

Butoh…

It wasn’t as hard now. The similarities between Amnesia and Sadie were dwindling down to nothing but appearance.

Now I was seeing just how very unalike the two women were.

An entire week passed. I only stayed with Eddie twice, though I really wanted to stay more. My relationship with Maggie was also important, and I wanted to make sure she knew. Plus, it gave me time to think and really digest the memory I’d had. Not completely, of course, but enough I could put it into perspective some and not feel sick over it.

It would probably always be a struggle to remember that the past was just that—the past—and it couldn’t intrude upon the future unless I allowed it. I think coming to terms with the realization I could be haunted forever by things that happened to me—and therewouldbe times it did intrude upon me—was the hardest to grasp.

And then there was the fear. The fear I would remember more. That the more those feelings of being violated and abused came back, the more I might be crippled. I was scared of that, scared my past had the ability to rob me of my future.

Don’t allow it.

It was sort of a mantra now, when I felt the stirring of panic deep inside my stomach. When it seemed hard to keep a grasp on reality and I felt myself slipping into some sort of foggy anxiety, I would breathe deep and tell myself I was in control.

Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. It was a process. I was coming to learn that’s what life was. A process. A series of highs and lows.

The light knock on the doors across the room made me smile. Like a giddy child, I threw the covers off and pranced across the room, my bare feet and legs blasted with the cool morning air.

Hopping from foot to foot, I opened the door so Eddie could slip inside.

He grinned at me, all dimples and white teeth, as he shut the door. “You look like a little rabbit.”

“It’s freezing this morning!”

He caught me around the waist with one arm and lifted. My legs went around his waist, and I cuddled into his neck. “How come you’re warm? You were just outside.”

“I’m always warm for you, baby,” he murmured.

Lifting my head, he stuck the tall cup beneath my nose. “Extra whip, just for my girl.”

The warmth seeped into my palm when I wrapped it around the cup, and he carried me back over to the bed. The blankets were still warm from my body, and my toes curled into the soft head and I sighed.

Eddie slid in beside me and pulled the covers up over our lower halves.

I sipped at the cocoa, enjoying the way the liquid heat slipped all the way down my throat and into my stomach.

Not staying with Eddie every night was something I didn’t like. But I did like when he snuck into my room early in the morning with a hot chocolate.

“How’s my girl?” he asked, stroking the side of my head.

I leaned over and kissed him.

“You taste like chocolate,” he murmured. I kissed him again, this time licking into his mouth, stroking our tongues together.

“I have something else for you,” he said when I pulled back.

“You do?”

Leaning sideways a little, he reached under him into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a white envelope that was folded in half.

“May I present to you,” he said with flourish, “your first paycheck.”

Excitement and pride sparked inside me. Pushing up, I folded my legs under me and balanced my drink in my lap. Carefully, I pulled the check out as though it were something precious and rare.

It kinda was. I’d never earned a paycheck before. Or had a job. Or money of my own.

The paper was long and rectangular, a light-blue shade. It looked professional and serious, and right there on the side was the amount with my name on it.

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