Page 116 of Amnesia

“Put your hands in your pockets so they don’t get cold,” I ordered, reversing direction toward the lake.

“You’re bossy,” she muttered even as she stuffed the hand I wasn’t holding into the pocket of her hoodie.

“Just looking out for my girl,” I said, lifting our joined hands and tucking them both into the pocket of my hoodie.

She smiled.

“Do you ever go out on the lake? You know, since that night?”

“I have a couple times. Mostly just to fish. It’s not my favorite place to be. It brings up a lot of, ah, memories. Guilt.”

“Yet you live on the water.” She pondered.

I shrugged. It was a paradox. “Yeah, as much as I dislike the lake, I’m drawn to it.”

Her voice was soft when she replied. “I can understand that.” After a moment, she spoke. “You blame yourself.”

“It’s hard not to. If I hadn’t insisted on doing that stupid dare, Sadie might still be here.”

“I might not be.”

I stopped walking, turning so we were facing each other. Down here, the water lapping at the shore was the loudest sound in the night. The breeze off the water was strong, and there was a slight bite to the air.

“I didn’t mean it that way.” I started. “I’m so glad you’re here, but that’s eleven years she’ll never get back.You’llnever get back.”

“Neither will you.”

A disgusted sound ripped from my throat. “I don’t matter.”

“You matter to me.” The words carried on the wind, somehow extending their life.

My heart lodged in my throat, making it hard to swallow.

We walked along some more, not quite close enough for the water to touch us, but enough that if a strong wave came in, it would.

“Tell me what you remembered today.” I cajoled, knowing it was hard for her but also sensing she wanted to talk.

“I’m the one that made my hair look the way it did before, all uneven and messed up.”

That surprised me. It was probably the last thing I expected. “You cut your hair?”

“With scissors,” she admitted. “I did it as some sort of revenge or something. He liked my hair… said it was his, and one day I snapped, started hacking it up to spite him.”

I swallowed, the lump in my throat only growing thicker. “Maybe that was the only thing you had in the moment to feel in control.” I reasoned.

“He broke my arm in punishment.” Her voice was flat, almost disconnected.

I stumbled. “He what?”

She stopped beside me, turned, and all the hair blew into her face, concealing it. It was dark out here, but the shadows in her eyes weren’t because of the night. “I can still feel the way his boot pinned my fingers to the floor. He stomped on it,” she murmured, her voice far away. As she spoke, her hand wrapped around her arm, near her elbow, as if the pain were still there. “I heard the bone snap.”

The string of dark curse words I let loose were ripped away with the violence of a sudden wind. “Jesus,” I muttered, pulling her into my chest. “I’m so fucking sorry, Am.”

“It’s not your fault, Eddie.”

I would forever feel it was.

“Did you remember anything else?” I asked, my words coming out harsh.

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