Page 81 of Bae

But how did you put a rating on pain? It wasn’t really a competition and certainly not one I would ever enter. The pressure I put on myself to get pregnant, coupled with the loss of not carrying her to term and feeling as if I failed Romeo… well, it cut me. Deeply.

“I’ve gone over everything from your previous pregnancy, the sonogram we did today… I made a few notes from the exam,” Dr. Crawford said.

I nodded, feeling my heart thud beneath my ribs.

“Of course I won’t be able to go over your bloodwork until after next week,” she added.

“Yes,” I replied, wishing she’d get to the point.

“I see no reason to believe you won’t conceive again and go on to have a healthy pregnancy.”

My eyes filled with tears, but I blinked them away. The relief was almost overwhelming, but even so, there was a part of me afraid to believe. “Are you sure?”

She smiled kindly. “I cannot guarantee you won’t have another miscarriage. Sometimes they just happen for reasons we don’t always know. What I can tell you is everything I’ve seen and based on your age, health, etc., you will be able to have the baby you and your husband very much want.”

I let out a silent exhale. “And the bloodwork?”

“I’ll call you as soon as I get back and go over your file. I can tell you right over the phone if you want.”

My nod was eager.

“I do not anticipate anything to show up, no red flags or reasons to keep you from getting pregnant. I see no reason why you and your husband can’t start trying again as soon as you like. Your body is healed from the miscarriage. It’s able to do what it needs to do.”

“Okay,” I replied, nervous and excited all at once.

“I know getting pregnant after a miscarriage is very frightening. I also understand you may feel some guilt. I strongly encourage you to talk to someone, anyone who is willing to listen and support you. And start taking prenatal vitamins now. That way you have all the nutrients in your system before you conceive.”

I made a mental note to go pick up a brand-new bottle on the way home.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Relax,” she implored. “Getting pregnant is easier when you aren’t so stressed. Stress is taxing on the body. Get lots of rest. Be kind to yourself.”

“Right.” I agreed. I knew that was coming. If only relaxing weren’t so difficult.

“It might also be good to get in the habit of not lifting anything heavy. It won’t cause you to miscarry, but it’s better safe than sorry. You are a small woman.”

After a few more moments of talking and her basically reassuring me, our appointment came to a close. I thanked her and walked out of the offices feeling better than I had when I walked in.

For the first time in a long time, the possibility of a baby excited me, and it didn’t seem so out of reach.

I thought back to before I lost Evie, to the joy both Romeo and I felt. The way he used to talk to my belly and bring me pickles. The way we browsed baby boutiques to look at tiny clothes. I was even looking at pink. How could you have a little girl and not look at pink?

Even after what happened to my mother and the negative feelings I had about the girly color, Evie had given it new meaning again. That feeling was gone now. If anything, pink was even more abhorrent to me now, and I don’t think even another baby would change that.

But that was okay. Not all little baby girls had to wear pink.

Looking back, maybe it had been a mistake to get the early blood test to find out it was a girl. But on the other hand, knowing her sex was just one more thing I had of her. It was a blessing but also a torment. Even still, the blessing outweighed the negatives.

The entire office was quiet and empty now as I walked toward the front door. When I stepped out into reception, I was taken aback when the receptionist smiled from behind the counter.

“All finished?” she said, chipper.

For some reason, her chipper-ness made me feel odd.

“Yes, thank you. Is there anything I need to do to checkout before I go?”

She glanced at the computer screen before her and shook her head once. “No, it looks like everything is fine. We’ll bill you any portion owed.”

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