Page 50 of Bae

Valerie made a sound and came around the table. The next thing I knew, both her arms were around me; she was hugging me tight.

“I know it feels that way. I blamed myself for years and years, just like you. It isn’t your fault. These things, these horrible things just happen.”

I grabbed her arm where she hugged me and held on. For the very first time since I came out of that shock-induced haze at the hospital, I felt it all at once.

The weight of it all was so cumbersome I thought I would crumble.

I didn’t.

I cried. I felt helpless. I felt guilty.

But I weathered the storm of emotions; that in itself made me feel stronger.

After a while, I pulled back from Valerie’s hold and wiped at my face with the backs of my hands. She released me to rush off and get me some tissues (that she probably got from Target) and set them at my elbow. I took a few minutes to clean up my face and sip at the tea before glancing up.

“Can I ask you something?” The hoarse way I spoke jarred me.

“Of course.”

“You told me once the doctors said you’d never have children. And that you tried for years.” Valerie nodded, so I continued. “Romeo was your miracle baby, but did you ever have a miscarriage like me?”

She smiled sadly. “Two of them. It was after those that the doctors told me I’d never have a child.”

Two. Just the thought of having to survive something like this more than once was enough to make me never want try again.

“We were devastated, much like you and my son.” She cleared her throat. “Losing a child isn’t something I would wish on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.”

“It still hurts you?” I asked. “Even after all these years?”

“It does. I’ve just learned to live with the pain, and over time, I’ve come to accept it wasn’t anything I’d done. It just wasn’t meant to be.”

I digested her honesty for a few moments before speaking again. “Romeo wants to try again.” I admitted. “He says he isn’t ready until I am, but I just know.”

“My son wants you to be happy.”

“That’s what I want for him.”

Valerie smiled. “Have you talked to Roman, told him how you feel?”

“We’ve talked.” I hedged. “After your first miscarriage, weren’t you afraid it would happen again?”

“Terrified. Then when it did happen, I thought I somehow manifested it to come true because I’d been so worried.”

“Oh, but that’s not true,” I rushed out, instantly feeling empathy for her.

Valerie smiled. “If only you’d let yourself off the hook that easily.”

Yikes. She had a point.

“Having another baby, trying to get pregnant again doesn’t take anything away from your first one. And yes, there is always the risk of another miscarriage, but the chances are slim. And for me, when I weighed the potential pain against the potential joy of holding my baby in my arms, the joy always won.”

I let everything she said to me sink in. We sat and drank our tea in silence, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. I didn’t think about all the things she’d done to me in the past and how skewed our relationship had become.

She wasn’t that person to me anymore.

She was a mother. A woman who understood pain and loss. An ear and a confidant.

And what was most remarkable?

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