Page 30 of Forever We Fall

“Your father?”

“Yes. My father who now views his marriage as a false one, since he was lied to and views me as a false son.” I pick at the seam of my shorts. “I don’t blame him.”

“Just because your mother wasn’t a pristine virgin when he married her? Fuck that,” Arlo spits.

“No. Because his son didn’t have enough self-control to lock a goddamn door. Because his son made his wife spiral into a dark hole that she couldn’t see a way out of. Because his son is a deviant.”

My chest feels like it’s going to cave. I’ve already triggered Arlo. I’m bound to do it again, and the last thing in the world I want is to hurt him.

I bury my face in my hands. The weight of the world crashes onto my shoulders.

“I love that you’re a deviant.”

“What?” I fucking sob, barely able to fill my lungs.

“I love that you’re confident in your body and your desire. I love that your attraction to people knows no limits. I love that you aren’t scared to talk about those things.”

“Why? When you’ve been through hell, how can you even stand to be around me?” I scrub my hands down my face and sit up. Still, I can’t bring myself to look at him. “What if I trigger you? Again?” I’m almost yelling now.

Arlo walks to my chair and kneels at my feet. My heart fucking stops in a game of freeze tag I didn’t know we were playing.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I can’t stand being away from you.” He lifts his blanket between us, shakes it, and then tosses it onto the foot of the bed. “You offer me more comfort than I ever expected to feel in the presence of another person.” His eyes search mine. “Yes, you push me out of my comfort zone. More than that, you give me hope.”

“Hope?” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

He nods. “You give me hope that one day I’ll be able to enjoy the physical things we are meant to enjoy.”

“You want me to teach you how to jerk off?” I laugh and cry too.

“Fuck you, asshole.” Arlo winks.

“Any time. I’ll bottom for you.” I lean forward, press my hands to my face, and sob into my lap some more.

A few moments later, the weight of Arlo’s blanket settles over my shoulders. I never thought a scratchy old bit of fabric could bring me comfort, but I reach for those very edges in the night to assure myself he’s still nearby. The physical representation of him that I can touch and feel brings me more comfort than my plush down blanket ever could.

I hold those edges and let the sadness seep from my heart and bleed through my eyes.

He doesn’t touch me, but I feel him close. Just inches away while I snot and sob until I have nothing left.

“Come on.” The edges of the blanket go taut, and Arlo heaves my weight off the chair. “To bed, you sad sack.”

“Bet your sacks are sadder.” I laugh, though my throat is thick with tears.

“Maybe so.” He pulls back the corner of my plush comforter and ushers me up and under.

“Thank you.” I hand him back his blanket and crawl onto the bed, being sure to only take half of the small mattress. The part next to the wall has become my half. Even though I fucking hate the cold cinderblocks inches from my head, I hate the idea of him feeling stuck there in the middle of the night more.

Arlo tucks me in like a child. He closes my computer, then turns off the light. His weight dips the mattress. I have to fight to keep my body from rolling into his. It’s the most tense and uncomfortable way to sleep.

Yet I’ve had the best sleep of my life since he’s taken up my space.

Once settled, he takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out.

“Doesn’t seem fair,” I offer into the dark.

“What’s that?”

“You shared harder, darker stuff than me this evening, and I’m the one who cried like a baby.”

---