Page 68 of Forever We Fall

A gap at the front side of the bed indicates he made room for me. Still, as much as I long to lie next to him. To hear his breaths as he sleeps. To feel them on my skin. To have his weight close. I don’t take it for granted.

He pats the bed.

My heart skyrockets, shooting into a thousand confetti pieces that tickle my ribs.

I walk slowly over to the bed and lift myself onto the mattress. I’m about to lay my feet next to his head and my head by his feet like we always used to do.

“Hota?”

My stomach drops.

“Yeah?”

“Will you put your head up here? I…want to see you, so I know where I am.”

I shift and do as I’m asked. There’s nothing I’d rather do right now. That’s not entirely true. I’d love to pull him close and hold him tight, but this is so good my blood thrums. For so long, he’s been hiding away from me, but now, in the dim moonlight, he allows me to look my fill.

I would have written off anyone else long ago. Hell, I’ve never given another person the opportunity to get close enough to hurt me. Arlo has hurt me to my very core. Still, I take what he gives and am happy about it. I know he gives me all he can. His scars are deeper than mine. His hurt is greater.

I love him. More than my sanity. More than myself. I love him.

Toxic or not. For better or for worse. Isn’t this what true love is?

Love is not convenient. Love is not equitable. People say love is a choice, but with Arlo, loving him seems to be knitted into my genetic material. My hair is black. My eyes are so dark brown that they appear black too.

I love Arlo Becker Judge.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“Anything you need. I’m your guy.”

The hint of light filters in through his window and casts onto his face. His eyes light up at my words. The corner of his mouth tips up. His shuddered breath rocks the whole bed.

“Hota?”

“Yeah, Arlo?”

“Without you, I wouldn’t have made it.”

My throat goes tight and burns. “You’re stronger than you know. I look forward to the day you realize it.” I mirror his small grin. “There will be no stopping you.”

His smile falters. “What if…?”

“Ask me anything,” I offer.

“What if I can’t ever be how we were…” He stumbles and starts several times, trying to broach the topic of our intimacy without actually saying it.

A tear slips from my left eye. It’s buried in the covers, and I don’t worry about him seeing it in the dark. “Then we’ll be how we are.”

“I know you need more.”

I shrug. “You might too, one day.” I shrug again. “Maybe you won’t. Either way, we’ll be together through whatever comes. Yeah?”

He nods. “Yeah."

We just look at each other for a long time until neither one of us can keep our eyes open.

Arlo’s alarm blares. I jerk awake to full sunlight pouring into his room and the sounds of a cat dying, or at least the equivalent. His horrid music. I lurch up, hit the off button, then blink my friend into view.

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