Page 73 of Coming Home

Chapter 23

It had been four days since I last heard from Ben. He looked happy and promised we’d talk the next day. I couldn’t help the panic that set in, worried he was ghosting me once again. The boys asked about him every day and I lied and told them he was just busy wrapping things up and he’d be home as soon as he could, but I didn’t know if that was true or not.

I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe that true love could conquer all, and I had no doubts that Ben loved me. But I literally felt despair through our bond, and it scared me. I couldn’t help but fear the worst. Either he had changed his mind and wasn’t coming home, or something bad had happened.

I tired to distract us all by taking the boys out to find and cut down the perfect Christmas tree. We decorated the entire house. We burnt cookies on our first attempt and called Peyton over to assist with the second.

By the time we finally got good news that Marnie and Don were heading home, it looked like Christmas had puked on the Shay house.

“Shelby, it’s beautiful,” Marnie said, hugging me happily.

“We’ve got a lot to celebrate this year. It’s going to be the best Christmas ever,” Don said, putting a smile on for the boys’ sakes.

I knew from Thomas’s updates that Don was suffering for severe depression. Seeing him for myself, even while he tried to fake otherwise, reminded me of how Ben seemed to be feeling and I suddenly knew, something was very wrong.

After packing my bags and hugging everyone goodbye, I left for them to spend time together healing as a family.

I drove home, but stopped by a favorite overlook at the river and sat in the car and cried. I pulled out my phone to call Ben. Instead, I sent him a text, afraid he still wouldn’t answer once again.

ME: I know something’s wrong. I can feel it. Please just talk to me.

I had only been texting him happy stories about the boys and pictures of our Christmas decorating adventures, trying not to let him know I was freaking out, but that was exactly what was happening. As I sat there letting my fears and worries sink in, my heart started racing and I struggled to breathe.

I was heading towards a full-blown panic attack when the phone rang.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I looked down and saw Ben’s picture requesting a video chat. With a shaky hand, I slid to accept.

He looked rougher than the last time I saw him. He was sporting a days-old beard, his hair was unkempt, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

“Sport, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“Ben?” I asked, fearing I was hallucinating during my panic attack.

“I need you to breathe, babe. In and out. You have to calm down and tell me what happened,” he said a little too calmly.

Anger replaced my panic. “I don’t hear from you for nearly a week and you’re asking me what’s wrong? How the hell am I supposed to know? I can feel you, Ben. I know something is wrong, but you won’t talk to me. So don’t sit there and calmly ask me what’s happening, ?cause I don’t have a clue. It sure feels a hell of a lot like boot camp all over again,” I said, feeling equally better and guiltier over getting that off my chest.

He sighed and looked so defeated. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy just trying to survive this week, I didn’t even think of how it would affect you. Shit,” he said, running a hand through his slightly shaggy hair. “You kept sending pics of you and the boys and you looked so happy that I didn’t want to drag you down over the holidays.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“The last time we video chatted, well, Major Collins showed up shortly after to give me my release papers.”

“Wait, you’ve been out for a week? And you what, decided you’re just not coming back?” I asked, trying not to work myself up to hyperventilating. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

“It’s not like that. Would you just let me finish? Yes, I’ve officially been out for the last week, but that same night my team got called up. I wasn’t allowed to join them, but there was a . . . it was really bad, Shelby,” he said, and I suddenly noticed the red rim around his eyes. Had he been crying? Ben took a deep breath and continued. “Only three survived, two of them are still fighting for their lives. I’ve been at the hospital just waiting and praying for days. To be honest, I don’t even have a clue what today is. Jake’s here, too. We’re both a mess as we await word. They took Crawley back for a third surgery today. Even his, um, gifts, aren’t helping him heal, Shelbs. And Bulldog just got stabilized yesterday.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me, Ben? We’re supposed to be there for each other through the good and the bad.”

“I know. I just didn’t want to burden you with all this around the holidays. I know you’re trying to wrap up school and I couldn’t add more stress on you for that. Plus, you’ve already got so much on your plate stepping up to take care of my brothers. I know I’m shit for not running home to help. I just, I just really need to be here right now,” he said.

“Of course you do,” I told him. “They’re your brothers, too. And Troy and Will and I have done just fine. Your parents came home today, so I’m giving them some space and time alone.”

“Is that why you were so upset and going into a panic attack? It was so weird, like I could feel you before your text came through, and I knew I had to call you,” he admitted.

“That’s called the bond, Ben, and you’re a giant idiot! I’ve been feeling your turmoil of emotions for the last week as clear as if they were my own. I’ve tried to reach out, but you continue to ignore me, so I’m left here to think the absolute worse, and while your friends dying is absolutely horrible, it’s nowhere near the worst-case scenario my imagination can come up with. I just needed to know you were okay and not lying in a ditch dying alone somewhere.”

I hated the additional pain I was causing him. I could see it on his face and feel it through the bond.

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