Page 44 of Breathe Again

“Well, I don't care what the rest of you say, I want my sister back,” Ruby said. “And not just in the courtroom, Lizzy. When you were doing trials, I used to always take off and just sit in the back of the room to watch you because it was the only time I felt like I could see even a glimmer of you. You were fearless. Since you moved back here, you don't even have that. Stop being so damn numb and polite all the time.”

A tear ran down my cheek and the others gasped. It was true. I had been living life as a robot. I reached out and hugged Ruby close to me, stroking her wild red curls. “I'm sorry,” I whispered. It didn't take long before the others joined in, even Lily, as I was tackled in one giant sister hug. We slowly pulled back, laughing.

“I'm so sorry, girls. I had no idea my life really affected any of you. I just—" I fumbled in my head for the right words. “I wanted to be a good example for you guys, try to do the right things, so you'd never know how royally screwed up I really was.”

“Oh please, we've always known that,” Peyton chimed in. She was often quiet, the homebody of the family, but witty and funny with her sharp comebacks.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I don't even know where to begin. I mean, I guess I've either told you or you pieced together most of it already.”

They all nodded but stayed quiet like they were waiting for me to continue, so I did.

“Cole Anderson is my one true mate. We've known it since I was sixteen years old, even before my wolf fully surfaced. We started a bond when I gave him my virginity in a changing room in the mall.”

Clara gasped. “You didn't?”

“I did. We got matching tattoos that day to remember the moment.” I surprised them all when I pulled my pants down and showed them the small conjoined wolves on my right hip bone.

“What?” Ruby asked, clearly thrown off guard. “I can't believe you have that. I can't believe you actually showed it to us.”

I laughed. “Despite popular opinion, I am not a prude. Not in the least. I've just been hiding that thing for all these years. At first because I thought Mom and Dad would freak, and then, because it became a bit of a mark of shame. I didn't want people asking about it or what it meant to me. So I accepted the teasing and prude title without complaint. Just made things a little easier.”

“If your bond was started all those years ago, didn't you feel it? Aren't mates supposed to feel the absence when apart? I've heard it's miserable,” Peyton asked.

“It is,” Lily confirmed. “Not just emotionally miserable, but physically painful. I can attest to that. When I ran away from Thomas it was the worst pain I'd ever felt, even crippling at times. We could only endure it a few days. Think about that before you cast anymore judgments, Ruby. They had a bond that wasn't broken or completed, just in limbo for over a decade. I can't even imagine the pain that caused them both.”

My sisters sobered as they took in her words.

“I'm sorry I called you an emotionless robot,” Ruby said.

I hugged her again. “It's okay. I was. I basically shut off all emotions because if I’d allowed myself to feel anything, I was overwhelmed with feeling everything. I'm sorry. It was total survival mode. I didn't know it would affect you guys so much. I really didn't think anyone would care.”

“What?” Shelby asked. “Not care? You're our sister. How could you think for one second we didn't care? It hurt each of us when you disappeared like that, and then shut down entirely on us when you returned. You too, Madelyn. We're sisters. We should be able to tell everyone in this room absolutely anything, and know, without a doubt, that each of us is here for you no matter what is going on in your life.”

“I'm sorry,” Maddie said, knowing that Shelby's outburst was directed more towards her than me. “I can't describe the shame I felt after the rape.” I saw several of the girls cringe at her candidness. As far as I knew it was the first time she had truly opened up to any of us about what had happened to her. Liam had called our parents to let them know and explained her situation, but he had also made it very clear that it was not to be brought up or mentioned around her. It was the past and needed to stay there. We had all been walking on eggshells around her since, not wanting to upset her.

“I wanted to die. There, I said it,” Maddie continued. “I didn't want to come home and have you all look at me like I was damaged—because I was. I tried to kill myself more than once. I wasn't strong like the rest of you. And I was a teenage mom. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? Being a mom isn't easy at any age, but most definitely not at sixteen. Even after Liam found me, I made him swear not to tell any of you that I was alive. Yes, that includes you, Lily. I didn't want to face my past. I didn't want to relive everything by explaining what happened. I didn't want any of you to ever know. I really felt it was better if you all believed I was dead, because before Liam came back into my life, I was little more than a walking zombie. Dead inside.”

There wasn't a dry eye to be found. I pulled her over to sit next to me and held her, but she pushed back and continued on anyway.

“Don’t get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of Oscar. I'm not. That kid is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I still carry the shame of how he was conceived. I never saw myself as the victim, just a stupid little girl who allowed it to happen. I know now that wasn't the case, but until I came face-to-face with his biological father and learned what they had done to him, I still blamed myself. Hearing what happened from Jack really put things into perspective for me. He was a victim of his brothers that night, and so was I. I still haven't fully forgiven myself for it, but I've forgiven him. I know that sounds screwed up, but hey, I'm screwed up.”

“I have Cole back in my life. I still can't believe it’s happening, that any of this is real, but we'll never get back those years apart and we have to live with that pain I caused. Our bond is complete already. We really weren't telling people that part, but it seems like full disclosure time, so yeah, we're both newly mated and fully bonded and it's really weird. I've had to face everything he's gone through, everything I put him through. It's crazy and I feel elated and guilty all at once. I'm an emotional garbage pile right now. I'm screwed up,” I confessed.

Maddie hugged me, giving an extra squeeze of reassurance and thanks.

“Well, my life is far from perfect,” Clara admitted. “I'm lonely and want a mate. I'd settle for a compatible one, but I don't stay around long enough to make a connection with anyone. I'm growing to equally love and hate my job and it's been weighing on me a lot. I'm screwed up.”

We laughed as the tears continued to roll in the most cleansing way possible.

“My turn,” Peyton said. “I hate living at Mom and Dad's. I'm a grown woman and I want a place of my own. I want to cook and bake whenever I want and not be shooed away from the kitchen by my mother. I've taken a part-time job in the next town at a bakery that I haven't told anyone about and have saved up enough to move out, but I don't want to hurt Mom's feelings by telling her. I'm really screwed up.”

“I'm in love with Ben. I get he's not my true mate, but no other man compares. Not even close. And even though he ran off and has not bothered to contact me even once, I miss him and fear I'm never going to find true happiness because I'm still holding on to a secret crush I have on my best friend that I’ve had for most of my life. There, I said it,” Shelby confessed. “I'm totally screwed up!”

We all turned to look at Ruby, but Lily spoke first.

“I'm going to screw up Thomas's life. I never follow through with anything. I've never been able to commit to anything. Elise changes my job at the Foundation every six months or so. I've never even made it a full year in the same position, so why does anyone think it's a good idea to crown me as Pack Mother? No one's more screwed up than me!”

Maddie was by her side, hugging her and talking softly, telling her that wasn't true, and she was going to make a wonderful Pack Mother.

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