Page 72 of Illicit Illustration

“Reid. Reid happened. I think I’m in love with him, but I didn’t realize that’s what I was feeling until it was too late. And now he hates me, and I’m going to die alone.”

The more I let myself acknowledge the truth, the stronger the feelings I’d been denying felt. While I hadn’t been sure they were real last night—and not caused by the endorphin rush of what’d transpired—in the stark, dreary light of day, my doubts had lifted. But the damage was done. And the fatalistic part of my brain had decided that it was now literally the end of the world.

I knew it was anxiety, and I should just talk to him, but I was also terrified of what would come out of my mouth if I did. And every single scenario my fucked-up subconscious conjured up was worse than the last. My vivid imagination had done more damage to me this morning than Reid ever had. And then my thoughts drifted to having to show him this side of me, and the panic started all over again.

“Wow, you’re fucked. Aren’t you?” Charley’s amused laughter that normally made me feel better only reminded me how terrible I felt. “Although that might be funnier because you’re fucked without having ever been fucked.”

Waiting until her amusement had run its course, I picked at a loose thread on the side of my jeans.

“I’m not kidding,” I whispered as I tried to fight off the urge to cry. “Things got a little heated last night, and I got scared…and then he left. And now I don’t know how to fix it.”

What if, after he left last night, he changed his mind?

What if, when I saw him next, he pretended nothing had changed between us in the last two weeks?

What if he decided that my hesitations because of another man were something he couldn’t overlook?

What if…

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” she muttered, her hands balling into fists in her lap.

Shaking my head, I let the tears that’d been pooling in my eyes fall.

Charley’s hands framed my face, urging me to look up as she rubbed her thumbs beneath my eyes. “Did he try to take things too far last night?”

“No, he’s never done anything without making sure I was okay with it first.”

She let out a relieved breath. “Then why are you so sad right now?”

My chin quivered as I shook my head, my throat too tight to answer with words.

“I thought you were staying away from him until after tonight.” Charley patiently waited for me to calm the fuck down, and I hoped my friend would help me figure out how to do what Reidhad asked of me. He’d been so sure I was brave, and I’d told him I wasn’t with him. But I wanted to be.

“I was having trouble with a drawing, but I didn’t want to ask him to help me with it because he’d have to…” I trailed off abruptly, trying to figure out how to tell her what happened without revealing details I didn’t want her to know. I’d accidentally overheard way too many whispered conversations to know she was into unconventional playtime with my brother that had something to do with UNO cards and probably wouldn’t judge me. But I didn’t blush on command for no reason.

“And Reid’s pierced package is now a part of your peen pics?”

“That was a lot of alliteration.” And I frowned as I ran what she said back through my head. “And how doyouknow about his…?”

“Accessorized dick?” she asked when I didn’t finish my thought. “Pretty sure anyone with ears in this building knows about that. His lady friends talk.”

Of course they did.As if that wasn’t hard enough. Now, if he suddenly started dating someone for real instead of continuing his string of meaningless hook ups, how many whispered comments was I going to deal with about his past?

“Don’t change the subject. You may try to hide behind that adorably innocent looking face and a thin veil of sarcasm, but I know exactly what you’ve been working on for the last few months. You forget I know what your Instagram handle is, and while you tried to be sneaky and leave it off your website, I found that secret subscription service you started as a little side gig.”

It was my turn to be gob smacked as my best friend yet again laughed at my expense, but it’d done the job of stopping my panic spiral in its tracks.

“Huds doesn’t know about that, does he?”

“Fuck no. And I’m sure as hell not going to tell him. He thinks you shoot sparkly rainbows out of your ass and will be a virgin forever. I am not going to be the one who tells him that his angelic baby sister draws penises like a pro and has been giving sneaky through the clothes blow jobs to his best friend in the middle of the night in the apartment above the bar he owns.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

“Ya think? Your brother is laid back about a lot of things, but overprotective when it comes to you might be an understatement. There are some things he doesn’t need to know.” When my eyes widened, she placed a hand on my forearm. “I meant he didn’t need to know that you draw dicks for money, not that he shouldn’t know you’re in love with his best friend. But that is all you.”

“It’s tasteful bookish dickart, not just gratuitous dick illustrations. You sure you don’t want to tell him about Reid?” I asked, knowing she was going to laugh at my expense yet again.

“Nope. I’m good.” The door behind me closed, and judging by the secret smile Charley aimed over my shoulder, it seemed like my brother might find out sooner rather than later.

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